The Marriage Cult
My title is sort of an internal joke from years ago when I was talking to a friend of mine. See, she had just got married and it seemed like it set off something in her mom because suddenly her mom started sharing with her things she had gone through in marriage that she had never mentioned before. In addition, to what my friend had learned as a newbie in marriage she had said: "I'm telling you, it's a cult. No-one tells you the real deal until you are in it and by then it's too late to get out" and at the time it made me chuckle.
Fast forward many years and with the state of marriage in these modern times, I think back to that and wonder if she wasn't entirely serious. Being a Nigerian, it has always been a source of wonder to me how mothers - because most of them endured their marriage rather than enjoyed it - still have this vigor in pushing their kids to marriage without the words of wisdom to accompany it and help them do better and not go through what they went through. And I mean this for sons and daughters alike.
I remember the "words of wisdom" my mom gave me and I remember telling her that yea, I probably won't be reaching out to her for advice. Most Nigerian mother advice involve suffering of some kind or being the bigger person and I explicitly asked her if she expected me to go into marriage defeated already.
I wonder if it is just a case of not airing your dirty laundry in public, so you stay mum? Is there some kind of line between that and being honest to others about what marriage entails? On the flip, maybe it is one of those things that can't really be explained just experienced so people play dumb till you are in it.
Not that there isn't some gender war on twitter every other day but the most recent one really had me scratching my head. Someone said that our parents generation suffered because they cared too much about what others think. There's probably some truth to that.
The other side of the argument is when people use words of the Bible to justify being unhappy in a marriage. Yesterday I commented on that and wondered if that's how people really see God. As someone who would rather see them unhappy, as long as they are upholding words and rules. Doesn't seem to gel for me.
Anyways, once again as a disclaimer. I don't think all marriages are doom and gloom and destined for suffering and unhappiness. I just think there's a lot that is not being talked about so people are aware of the seriousness of the journey they are about to take. I talked to a handful of friends (not scientific enough sample size) and they mentioned how they didn't get a talk from their moms on what to expect from marriage.
At the end of the day, we can only just hope and pray that we get it right. Did you get any talks from your parents that didn't include endurance as the main key? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Fast forward many years and with the state of marriage in these modern times, I think back to that and wonder if she wasn't entirely serious. Being a Nigerian, it has always been a source of wonder to me how mothers - because most of them endured their marriage rather than enjoyed it - still have this vigor in pushing their kids to marriage without the words of wisdom to accompany it and help them do better and not go through what they went through. And I mean this for sons and daughters alike.
I remember the "words of wisdom" my mom gave me and I remember telling her that yea, I probably won't be reaching out to her for advice. Most Nigerian mother advice involve suffering of some kind or being the bigger person and I explicitly asked her if she expected me to go into marriage defeated already.
I wonder if it is just a case of not airing your dirty laundry in public, so you stay mum? Is there some kind of line between that and being honest to others about what marriage entails? On the flip, maybe it is one of those things that can't really be explained just experienced so people play dumb till you are in it.
Not that there isn't some gender war on twitter every other day but the most recent one really had me scratching my head. Someone said that our parents generation suffered because they cared too much about what others think. There's probably some truth to that.
The other side of the argument is when people use words of the Bible to justify being unhappy in a marriage. Yesterday I commented on that and wondered if that's how people really see God. As someone who would rather see them unhappy, as long as they are upholding words and rules. Doesn't seem to gel for me.
Anyways, once again as a disclaimer. I don't think all marriages are doom and gloom and destined for suffering and unhappiness. I just think there's a lot that is not being talked about so people are aware of the seriousness of the journey they are about to take. I talked to a handful of friends (not scientific enough sample size) and they mentioned how they didn't get a talk from their moms on what to expect from marriage.
At the end of the day, we can only just hope and pray that we get it right. Did you get any talks from your parents that didn't include endurance as the main key? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Comments
But yeah, people do endure, marriage , but as with anything you've put time and energy into say a job, do you just drop everything and run at the first sign of difficulty. Because some days eh, you go rethink the thing o. I know a friend, young couple and dude is so unhappy, but then the children( in his words, I can't just leave, am I mad?) . Counselling done, still no work. So to endure till a miracle happens.... It's complicated.
kinda sounds like it's set up to break before it even starts. And the secrecy. It makes no sense there seems to be a need to be the one with a perfect life but here is the thing about shame and guilt ( which seem to exist in marriages as they are present in most other relationships any ways) is that silence and isolation is a very good breeding ground for these emotions.
This marriage thing - It feels a lot like the flipping lottery. In the words of Dino: You talk- you die, you keep it a secret you die. Damned if you do, Damned if you dont, Damned because you did. *shrug*