Thursday, June 25, 2015

An Irish Prayer

It's been a rough couple of months since I lost my mom. Sometimes, I look at myself and wonder how I am functioning. If you had ever told me how I would be if I ever lost my mom I would have told you I would have lost it, but here we are. Grief is a very strange thing. It's also a very confusing thing. You are full of questions but have no answers and won't get any because they are gone. It brings many different emotions that hit you at the weirdest times.

Every little thing reminds me of my mom and I can think of a memory to attach to it. It's an odd thing continuing and acting like life goes on when your world has stopped. Sometimes, I feel like a crazy person. After the funeral it was much worse. I felt so lost (I still do). I felt like I was walking around with a gaping hole. I was so confused and I didn't know what the purpose of life or God was. I couldn't pray. I tried reading the bible but everytime I read something that alluded to God protects his own or is always there, I'd shut down cuz all my mind told me was "LIES!!!".I felt like God abandoned me.

I found that people don't know what to say. I also found that as much empathy one may have, if they haven't lost a parent they didn't understand. You hear so many things - some insensitive, some that made me wonder "did they just say that?" and you have to understand they don't understand. I turned to friends, especially those who had lost a parent(or both), they understood me more and I was so desperate to find out how they survived this "trauma"(that's what I call it) because it just looked so bleak to me.

The funny part was as mad as I was at God, I had no other better solution. I somehow found my way back to prayer and I have to say it helped some. As I am talking to God and telling him to for once listen to me, I am also telling him I don't even know why I am praying to him but somehow I always end up having that need to pray (contradictory, right?). A friend of mine took it upon herself and gave me a stern, long talking to and it stuck. She explained her emotions when she lost her dad, how she still felt his presence, she called and prayed with me and for me, gave me perspective , listened to me whenever my anxiety crept up (which is often, i tell ya) and she got me a journal to write in because she said writing helps.

I think I am doing better now but I know I will never be the same. I am taking each day as it comes and it takes a conscious effort to get through each day with that ache. Thinking of the things I will never share with my mom again. I am not rushing myself or giving myself a time frame, I am allowing myself to grieve and mourn my mom. I don't know how long it will take but I am also just trying to have a better mindset of life. Life is indeed short. I still am not able to go to church ( I went once and it overwhelmed me, it felt like being in a building that betrayed me). So, I stick to mediating with God at home till I am ready.

I hope I continue to get better with each passing day and I intend to make my mom proud by bettering myself overall. Yesterday a friend of mine sent me this Irish prayer and I think it fits with where I want my mindset to be:

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow
For every tear, a smile
For every care, a promise
And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends, 
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song
And an answer for each prayer.

Have a lovely weekend. Stay prayed up and be safe.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Friday Randoms

Today is a somber day in America. These occurrences against black people is getting too frequent and it's actually a bit frightening because really this could happen to any one of us. May the souls of all those lost rest in peace. Here we go with randoms dedicated to my friend, Swanboy.

What's the line between confidence and arrogance?

Pet Peeve: When people sound so sure about stuff they have no proof or know nothing about. It is quite common among Nigerians because for some reason saying "I don't know" is a crime.

Sometimes I think my being single bothers other people more than me myself.

I can't count the number of times I have been asked if I will do online dating. I don't know what the intentions or reasons are but I always side eye the question. Especially if I haven't complained to said person about not meeting people. I just find it annoying when people have some insight into my love life or lack thereof.

Speaking of love life, it's one thing to be private but it's a whole other thing to be in a relationship or quarter to engaged and be fellowshipping with single people about "our own time will come"

I know there are some people who suddenly have all the wisdom once they get married. I don't think anyone should expect to be cheated on. Not at all. That's unhealthy. At the same time, I don't think anyone is beyond being cheated on.

I had never been to a funeral before. For my first funeral to be my mom's, it was as awful or far worse than I expected it to be. I don't see how anyone's life can be the same after you have seen a loved one in a casket. Hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to experience.

Where do you consider home? Where the heart is? Where you feel at peace? *insert whatever else definition*. I don't know where I consider home. I have no ties to anywhere.

Sometimes, as human beings, we bring things upon ourselves - I call them man made problems. I don't consider it a situation where God is testing you or your faith. For example, if you lay with a person unprotected and you catch something. The rough patch you go through isn't a test. It's the consequence of a mistake. Mistakes are things we humans do a lot because we are...human. Now how we react and deal with the consequence whole different matter but before then, no need to bring the big man into something that we brought upon ourselves.

When a woman loses her husband, she's a widow. When a husband loses his wife, he is a widower. When children lose their parents they are orphans. What do you call someone who loses a child?

If you have a child and name them and you lose that child. Is it weird to name a future child the same name as the one you lost?

People underestimate the fear I have for doctors/hospitals/offices. Was at the doctor's office earlier and while waiting I nearly passed out from fear. By the time the doctor walked in I was trying to breathe and trying to loosen my loose shirt collar as if I was wearing a tie (dramatic much). She was like are you okay? Glad she was a nice doc sha, she knows my history and said I have ptsd from previous experiences. She also told me to maybe try hypnosis (hardy ha ha)

I really don't like "lol" as a filler in convos. I get that sometimes it's the only thing to say, I am guilty of it but when it's used every other message, it's like grrr.

Someone once asked if graveyards at some point cleared out the graves and headstones and if they didn't wouldn't we run out of space at some point. I thought that was a good point. I walked by a graveyard today and I saw a bunch of headstones of people born in the 1800's!! and died in like 1920's. I wonder if people still visit. Is it a leased space?

Guys please help a sister out and visit and tell a friend to tell a friend. Thank you!

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend. Remember to always stay prayed up and be safe.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015


I saw this tweet on my TL:

"Things people are struggling for, you get them easily without sweat. Without compromise. Just God's favour!"

I think I may have said this in my randoms before but this tweet reminded me how the word favor rubs me off the wrong way. I totally get wanting to sing your blessings to the world but I truly think there are other ways to do so without being smug? obnoxious? (are those the right words?)

We are told that God loves us all equally but when these self proclaimed favored people make these declarations, the word seems to take on a connotation like they are on a different level and are better in God's eyes. Like those who don't get them easily (to quote the lady above) are doing bad things and deserve to be punished.

Once again, I am not saying the praises of God shouldn't be declared publicly but more oft than not these declarations often comes across as bragging under the guise of praising God. I think you can tell when a declaration is genuine, I doubt it would include comparison to others.

My gripe of the day.