Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Staying Faithful

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have probably heard about the whole Arnold Schwarzeneggar fiasco. The fiasco being that he separated from his wife of 25 years after he confessed to her that he fathered a child 10yrs ago outside their marriage. Allegedly, this child was born 5 days after their youngest child. Everyone has had their opinion on the matter, today someone said Arnold is not the first or last man to cheat (with the help), so everyone should calm down and give him a break. While this is true, this just shows how the attitude people are having now towards cheating but it had me remembering an article a friend had directed me to some time back.

See, I have said it before Marriage is not beans, being with the same person for an average of say 30 years? You're practically going to do everything you can imagine with that person. For example, I have a friend who has been married 8yrs and every occasion, he asks me what to get his wifey because he has exhausted almost all his resources between mother's day/bday/valentine's/just because etc. It's all well and dandy the first few years, as time goes on, temptation arises, yes when you choose to get married it is your job to avoid temptation as much as you can and not cheat on your partner at least that's what I believe. Does shit happen? yes it does. I guess that will be for the couple to decide what direction to take from there.

The article was an interview with the director of a movie called "Monogamy". He touched on a few points that I'd like to share with you guys.

When asked about his basis for the characters in his movie he said:

I was interested in the question of, when do you fuse your identity versus lose your identity when you're in a couple? When does someone enhance who you are as opposed to suppress you? Also, they have this lived-in chemistry that can only come from living together and being together for years, but they're not all over each other. There's chemistry, but it's not carnal anymore, which is what can happen after you've been with someone for a long time. I think a lot of couples become best friends, and that's great. But if you lose the sex part, you're in trouble.

To what extent does sex drive the drama forward?

I think Theo's central crisis is that I don’t think his fear is that ‘I’m never gonna be able to have sex with another girl again [if I get married].’ His fear is that ‘I’m worried that I’m gonna be a bad husband. I’m worried that I’m gonna cheat. I’m worried that I’m gonna be like this guy who [he has been hired to spy on who he thinks] is cheating on his wife in an alley.’ When he’s looking at [the man] in the alley, he’s not turned on, necessarily, he’s almost outraged morally. He’s like, ‘I might end up in an alley with a prostitute if I marry [Nat], because she doesn’t wanna have sex with me. Can I do this? I’m worried about becoming someone I don’t wanna be.'

The one thing--really, the only thing--that Theo can say when they're breaking up at the end of the film is, 'I love you.' It seems like everything else has broken down, communication-wise. Is that one thing you saw from your interviews, that love is not enough?

Yeah, it's those three words in movies or novels, and you grow up saying 'when's the first time I'm gonna say 'I love you' to someone?' It is this huge phrase that means everything. And then you realize there are many different kinds of love. And it evolves over the course of a relationship. But I don't think it's enough. You can love someone but find him or her incompatible to live with. You can love someone but not be attracted to him or her physically.

You've interviewed dozens of divorcees about their experiences, so you're something of an expert. Do you think adultery is the biggest challenge couples face today?

I think there's more possibility out there. Of the twenty percent of all marriages that end in adultery, the adultery started on Facebook. It's a lot easier to have an affair now, but it's also a lot easier to get caught. Like with Don Draper, you watch it and he's having tons of affairs, and it's just like, he's calling on a rotary phone. There's no answering machine. There's no paper trail, there's no text that someone can look at when you're sleeping. You look at Tiger Woods or Eliot Spitzer, or a guy who sent a picture of his dick or whatever, there are bread crumbs everywhere. It's very easy to trace back. At the same time, it's made it very easy to maintain this kind of extra-marital relationship.

What are some of the more memorable nuggets that emerged from your research that intact couples can learn from?

Learn how to fight fairly and productively. Be yourself in the courtship phase; don't present too idealized version of yourself, because unless you're prepared to uphold that lie for the rest of your life, [your partner is] gonna find out.

There's nothing more to say but he gave some food for thought in some of his answers. I'll definitely be watching the movie whenever it comes out. What say ye peoples, what do you think?

*Interview excerpts from HuffingtonPost website.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday Randoms

Hi guys, it's Friday the 13th as if you didn't know. I thought this day would never come but it's here, all the sufferhead of Business school and I graduate today. Funny enough, I was excited about this like months ago, even had a grand ole party planned, was getting quotes from dj's even. Not sure what happened but as it got closer I lost my excitement. My friends have enough excitement for me though lol. Mgbeks accused me of never trying to feel special, so I am trying to muster up some excitement. I mean the way I see it, every other person gets an MBA, kini big deal? Don't get me wrong, I am proud of seeing it through, just not as excited. All yarns aside, I am grateful to God for seeing me through it and more importantly that I am done. Let us random!

Remember when I said I don't like when people use the word "making love" for sex. I don't like the word hubby for husband.

Friendships evolve. The evolution sucks. Sometimes

My friend asked me if I could date someone who confessed to beating a woman in the past. I said no. Would you?

I don't get the concept of putting open and marriage together. Is it still a marriage if you have those rules? Why not just be single and do everything you wanna do? I see it as a mockery of the marriage institution. Or is this me being closed minded?

These people on reality shows crying because "I have never been away from my family/mom/dad for this long. This long meaning like 2 weeks. Hisss.

I often wonder what the thought process is for a guy when he is about to gbensh a girl for the first time. Not first time having sex, just with a new girl.

I am not good at sharing my space.

I think young people are more concerned about getting pregnant than getting an STD.

I hate that helpless feeling when I can't help a friend.

I am aware that some people don't feel guilt. I do wonder what some women who have had abortions feel on Mother's Day.

Dimples are cute. They help/raise cuteness factor.

I need this phase to be over, so I can move on.

I have a phone number in my phone book. This phone number belongs to someone I know who committed suicide a few months ago. I can't bring myself to delete it. A mutual friend had dinner with him a week before it happened, she said he was so happy, she couldn't tell anything was wrong. It's very easy to repress stuff. It's just easier to fake the funk and go through the motions of life than to keep whining. I think a lot of people are becoming pros at this.

I have been relegated to service men guys. I got hit on by the UPS, Fedex and maintenance man. The maintenance man even has a spanish variation of my name that he calls me. I find this hilarious because I remember telling my friend that the only chance I have of getting married is God sending a man to my doorstep via UPS or Fedex. *raises eyebrows at God "You ain't funny* lol

The new Dubai for Nigerians is the Bahamas.

You know that quote " Our deepest fears is not that we are inadequate...". That definitely always gets an eyeroll and a yawn from me, everytime I see it.

In todays #shitmyfriendssay. "I have come up with a new word and definition", my friend says. I ask what, he says "Enter-Taynement" means to kpansh taynement (me). I am not saying anything further.

I think that's all I got today folks. I feel my blog might be nearing its end soon but we'll see. Have a lovely, lovely weekend and stay blessed!

I absolutely love this song. Not quite sure why the video had to have Tranny Cyrus.

Rock Mafia - The Big Bang

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Just cuz this has been floating in my head. I am usually too tired to flesh it out but I figured I'd just try tonight and try to put on paper. Most of you might have heard about a blog called Black Girls Are Easy. It's basically a blog by a dude who talks about the whole boy/girl relationship topic in the realest way possible. And when I say realest way that includes crass language. I've read a lot of his posts but not all and while I enjoy reading his blog, I had classified it as a blog that'll appeal more to those who were more interested in casual relationships. But the other day he had a post up called Grown Ass Man or Lil Ass Boy and it was just full of real talk. Take time to read it if you get a chance.

Anyways, the post is basically about how being in love is the grown thing to do and there is nothing wrong with admitting it as a man. Describing being made fun of for doing something nice for his girlfriend, he said:

Capri shorts are gay. Waking up at 3am to watch the Royal Wedding is gay. Me doing an act of love for my chick is not gay

Ain't that the truth.

I think society has conditioned us to believe that men shouldn't/don't show their emotions and sometimes when they do, they either get clowned or even we as women flap our gums saying "oh he is so sensitive, I need a manly man". I digress though. Before I read the complete blog, my friend had sent the above to me and not sure if there is a correlation but I immediately asked what he would pick if he had to choose why some guys shy away from commitment: not meeting the right person or not willing to bend in some of their ideologies. Surprisingly, my friend chose the not willing to bend option. I am a huge proponent for timing/right person but I also feel that some guys our age hold on to some ideologies so tightly that it could hinder a good thing. My friend went further to say that many guys have met the right girl but are still hesitant to take the plunge. I am not a guy so I am not even going to try to explain.

*5 hours later

I swear I had a point but I've been so distracted I have no clue what it was or is plus it shouldn't take this long to write a post. I think it was something to do with not understanding the whole boy/girl dynamic/after a certain age why would a guy be clowning his friend on being in love or being whipped/how do you meet someone that's supposedly right for you and walk?,something in that general direction sha. I don't want to delete this, soooo just click on the link above and read the post. Have a wonderful weekend guys!