Saturday, April 1, 2017

2 Years

Today marked the second anniversary of my mom's death. There is a one week span between her birthday and her death so this year it (birthday) fell on Sunday which I didn't know was the UK and Naija mother's day, so that was like eek. It's been an emotionally nerve wracking few months but you know...life goes on.

It's been a weird emotion. I think at the back of my mind the countdown to the anniversary always begins from the start of the year and automatically takes me back to January of the year she died and how we felt every month to her death till then. Kinda like replaying it over. I still replay the day she died a lot in my head and everything I did that day right down to what I wore. It's ironic that at the moment she probably took her last breath, I had just deposited money for her hospital bills.

When she first passed, I got a lot of "it never goes away but it gets easier" and 2 years down I can't say that I have reached that level (and maybe it's too early). I don't think I have ever shed these many tears in my life this last year. The first year it was strictly just the pain but now it's like it has graduated and now manifests for no reason or for any tiny reason. It still feels so raw and surreal and painful mostly because almost everything is a reminder of her and everything I will never get to share with her.

For her anniversary, I decided I wouldn't let it be a day of wallowing and sadness and just honor her memory and try to be as upbeat as I can. I got a little sad when I got some texts and my cousins had her pic up (it's still a bit difficult to see her picture) but that passed. My brother face timed me by her graveside and we said a prayer. We've talked about the anxiousness of the approaching day before hand and talk a lot about how we feel day to day so that's helpful.

I'm grateful for the time spent with her and grateful for her life spent and to have been her child. Mama, you'll forever be in my heart. Love always. May your soul continue to rest in peace.

(Thank you all for listening to my ramblings. It helps a bit to write sometimes)