Thursday, April 14, 2016

3 Theories and a Question

Last week or maybe 2 weeks ago, I had 3 different conversations with 3 different guy friends of mine that had me going hmm and because I love hearing your thoughts and opinions, I figured I'd bring it on down here and see what you think.


THEORY 1

My friend believes that a person who is messing with someone in a relationship has nothing to feel guilty about. He believes the onus is on the person who agreed to a monogamous relationship or said vows. He says the person technically isn't cheating on anyone. The taken person is the one taking actions that affects their relationship.

THEORY 2

My friend beleives that statistically more agreeable people are off the market and go off the market fast. I tried to give the examples of how some people who gave ultimatums and didn't have the best attitudes were off the market and he said it proves his point because it means they ended up with an agreeable person. An unagreeable person would probably be like "ain't nobody got time for that" but an agreeable person decides to tolerate. He says how do you think fucked up people get off the market. because they marry saints (which made me think of Jamie and Doug from Married at First Sight).

He says these people pair off and you are left with the people who are set in their ways, people who still haven't sorted out their issues and once you are over 30 and dating you begin to see this more clearly. He says women bear the brunt of this more because men can avoid this issue and just marry a young girl.

(The original convo was about how much more difficult it is to date after a certain age and the pool you are left with)

THEORY 3

I asked my friend if he believed in love. He said he did but the caveat is that he thinks it has an expiration date. He says he beleives at the beginning of a relationship there is love and all the mushy stuff and as life intervenes and couples settle in it becomes more about the life you have together. You get used to the routine and the comfort of having a person who knows the routines and you and you don't even realise when the transition happens. He says so much is invested at that time and it's not like you are unhappy so it is really more of a hassle to leave than to stay in a comfortable situation.


Now, these are 3 theories I have never really seen from this view point, so my initial reaction to all of them was to disagree but

Theory 1 - I dunno I think there should be guilt involved but technically it is true that the person isn't cheating on anyone and they aren't breaking up a home, the person who decided to step out already broke that home

Theory 2 - I don't know if I viewed this objectively because I am in the over 30 demographic, so my first reaction is to be defensive because that will have to admit to not being "agreeable" to some degree but thinking about it later, I see where he is coming from.

Theory 3 - I can see this too especially because the one thing I have heard from a lot of people is how kids change everything and the realities of life. Where I get jumbled is if you are comfortable and not unhappy for the most part, what's the big deal then. Then I remember I didn't ask about happiness but about love. I always say love is not enough to sustain a relationship which implies a relationship can continue without the giddy love. Tina Turner told us a while ago anyways "what's love gotta do with it"

ps love means in love-giddy love. the basic i care about you love still remains between the couple


I would REALLY LOVE to hear what you guys think about these three theories. Have a lovely weekend and stay blessed.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Friday Randoms

Hi guys, Happy Friday. Aren't you glad it is the weekend. Before I say anything further, I just wanted to say thank you to all who sent positive vibes via comments or reached out to me personally on my last post. I never know how to deal with comments in general, I don't respond individually because I don't think people come back to read so please I hope people don't see it as an affront, please know I see and read and I appreciate. I am back to regularly scheduled programming.

The East Coast has bamboozled me again by telling me it is spring meanwhile it is cold outside with scary winds and the weather forecast has snow scheduled for Saturday. Is this even life.

Meanwhile, I thought I had avoided it but they got me y'all. I got called for jury duty! nooooo! I feel like they are targeting people at my job, I know 4 other people who got called. I don't wannnaaa gooo. I just watched The People vs. OJ Simpson (fantastic show btw if you haven't watched, just fantastic) and their own jury lasted 8 months. They couldn't talk to anyone, get on the internet and most importantly THEY.COULD.NOT.WATCH.TV!!! hehe I am just being dramatic. I have requested for a postponed date sha. Shall we random.

For people who get massages and take off everything including underwear, why do you do that. A male friend of mine let me know it's for the butt part of the massage. I guess as a woman our underwear is conducive to that, I forget male underwear is different. Either way, I can do without the butt part of the massage, it hurts anyways.

You really have to be a demon to have unprotected sex with someone knowing fully well you have an STD and not tell the other party. Especially if it is herpes.

Why are women so scared to have that monogamy-exclusivity conversation. why don't we ever want good things for ourselves.

I feel like I freak out about things because things usually don't go my way. I always thought that if I was one of those people where things usually just find a way to work out, I wouldn't freak out the way I do and be so relaxed with the knowledge that everything will work out. But, I have come across some people like that who still freak out despite a kosher history.

You know, in hindsight, one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me was someone asking if I have ever wondered if the reason I am single is because I am not lovable. I happened to just remember this this week. I've suffered in this life sha.

How do parents of identical twins tell the difference between them when they are babies. Do you think there's been cases where a child has been permanently renamed due to an unnoticed error.

This is more of a story: There is this girl at my gym. Small, petite in shape babe always working out and all. She spends half her time staring at herself in the mirror as she does stuff. She comes in fully clothed but usually ends up being half naked. Because she is always fondling with her clothes in a bid to figure out how to show off her stomach. She is either fiddling with her pants and rolling them down as low as she can (I have seen her thong more times than I can count) or playing with her shirt to tuck it under her sports bra. In fact yesterday, she did herself a favor and just took off the shirt and just worked out in her sports bra. Anyways, one day the owner is complimenting her and saying how her abs are great and awesome and a gym teacher says it's all about choices and from nowhere some girl just said "Well, I'd rather have kids than abs" and yall I burst out laughing. I thought it was so random and her bad belle was leaking loud and clear.

Speaking of kids. Naija babes or anyone who thinks they are a better candidate as wifey material than someone who has kids. Please stop it.

I don't think I remember the last book I read that blew my mind. You guys have any you'd recommend.

I know divorce is painful and stressful but I sometimes wonder if some divorced people ever think "phew, I am so glad that wasn't my last penis\vagina. I can experience more now!"

Well, that's all I got. Hope you guys have a lovely weekend. Stay blessed.


Saturday, April 2, 2016

In Memoriam

Friday marked one year since my mom passed away. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel but I took the day off from work and decided to stay home. I had booked a mass for her and went to church in the morning. My brother had gone to her grave side and had tried calling while he was there but I never take my phone to church and had missed his calls. I was relatively fine and thought I had got it out of my system the night before because for some reason that was when it hit me and I had cried some. Later in the afternoon, I got really restless and decided to take a drive. somewhere on my way home, I had a real flood of emotions and just began sobbing as I sang along to the songs on my ipod.

I thought a lot about the last year and how it has been and the #1 thing is how it still feels so surreal and I really can't believe she is not here. When she first passed, I was told a lot that it got better but I don't know how long it takes because that vacuum in my soul still feels bigger than ever and it still hurts so badly.

I gotta say, grief is such a weird emotion. It's such a unique journey in that it is yours and noone has the same story as you do. Even with my brother, while he understands like no other his grieving is completely different from mine. I thought a lot about the past year and how it's been. No matter how many people told me I was strong, it didn't feel that way to me because it was hard. I was struggling to just keep my head above water.

I think the biggest thing I noticed was I became more...I don't know the word...maybe sensitive? For example, in all the seasons I have been watching Grey's Anatomy I used to laugh at people that said they cried but now I find myself tearing up. Even in real life, when a coworker was diagnosed with cancer I found it so hard to be in her presence, I think at one point she was talking to people and I started crying. I also never noticed how many cancer research/hospital ads they were. They trigger my anxiety so bad and make me uncomfortable.

Oh yea, that's another thing. I just randomly burst out crying at the most random places and times which can be embarrassing when people don't know what is going on. Sometimes I know why, it could be the sight of a mom and daughter. I remember going to a friend's wedding and the bride's mom was filled with so much joy and was dancing and that just sent me into a tizzy and ran me into the bathroom sobbing. It could be the mere reading of a tweet like "my mom is my world" or "she's the best" or someone just saying something casually about their mom. Basically, I feel everything much more which in itself is just stressful.

It's been a year and I am still struggling to have memories of my mom pre-cancer. Everytime I think of her all I see is her during the cancer and how this fuck of a disease just rendered her to nothing and the pain and suffering and it gets me all mad and sad at the same time. I want to remember the good times, hell even when she yelled at me but for some reason that doesn't happen. Even the few times I have dreamt of her, it was in the sickly state which again adds to my unease. I prayed about it for some time but I must confess I haven't in some time but it will really be great if I can push past the awful memory. For some reason the night times are the hardest especially during my night prayers.

I didn't mean to make this all dreary but I think I just needed to let this out somehow before my brain explodes from too much thinking. Someone sent me a message saying they hoped my mom's legacy and light would live on through me and my brother and I say Amen to that. It's easy to dwell on the negative and I remember talking to my brother over christmas and he said how this happens to a lot of people, it's just happened to us now so we feel it's unfair but somehow we have to deal. My brother takes solace in the fact that he knows my mom is in Heaven and not in any pain. I think because I struggle with what happens in the after life it doesn't give me as much peace as it does him.

Sometimes, when I feel envy or anger when I see older people that still have their moms (when I am in my "moods" I always say "She had a good 20 more years to give") I am reminded that some people never had their moms or lost them much younger and I had the privilege of having her longer (to be honest it doesn't make me feel better). I am still learning or trying to manage my emotions but they just get overwhelming sometimes and I give myself permission to allow myself to feel. It's sometimes hard to talk about or share because I sometimes think I am making people feel uncomfortable and they are in a helpless position.

Okay I will wrap this up. Here's to my mom. Cheers to the amazing, strong woman who made me the woman I am today. Here's to the love and support she gave me all the time. The sacrifices she made and the lessons she instilled. You will never be forgotten and always be loved. I am so proud to be your daughter and hope to always make you proud. Continue to rest in peace momma.

I apologize if this post is too heavy. I promise to be back to regularly scheduled programming soon. Have a lovely weekend!

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Friday Randoms

Hi folks. Friday is upon us again. It's Good Friday, which means Easter is round the corner. It's been a good Lent for me and I look forward to Easter. It's a little bitter sweet as my mom's birthday is tomorrow and it's hard to imagine that she won't be here. Last year, she was in so much pain and didn't even realize it was her birthday but at least she was here and this year...sigh. Anyways, it's kind of hard to believe Lent is over already meanwhile we are still waiting for Spring to sprung. One minute it's warm and the next it's cold. I feel for people with allergies. Anyhue, here we go...

I can't even begin to tell you how bad customer service irks my soul. I tried a new hairdresser the other day and wanted to use her again. When I was trying to make an appointment, the receptionist was SO rude and sour and in the middle of our convo, I just hung up. That poor lady has just lost a client due to her ineptitude. I am now going to someone less skilled but she has excellent customer service (I am doing myself abi)

I realized something about myself. I always reflexively assume a person's boss is a guy whenever they mention their boss. Which doesn't make any sense considering my boss is a woman. What does this say about me.

I have traveled alone and I have traveled with friends and I have to say I enjoy my trips with friends better.

Listen, people need to realize that not everything is a pessimistic thought or comment especially with Nigerians. I was expressing my anxiety about something to someone and they were like "why so pessimistic". like goddammit, can we not have emotions anymore. ugh.

Isn't it weird how you look at some white girls and you just automatically know that they only mess with black guys

A friend of mine asked me this: when is the right time to talk about finances in your relationship. I personally think when you guys start talking about a future together then all debt, income etc should be disclosed so you can plan accordingly. What do you guys think. Married folk, when did you talk about finances.

When you don't approve of a loved one's significant other, honestly what is the right thing to do. I just can't think of a good\right way to express those feelings without it negatively impacting the relationship. Especially when they have decided this is who they want to be with.

I wonder why Easter is not a big deal in the States.

I am so easily intimidated it's kinda ridiculous.

Every time I look up low carb recipes I always stumble upon recipes drowned in cheese. Since when is cheese healthy

Was listening to something and this woman was making a declaration about how she would never ever expect her man to cheat on her and it just baffles me so much how people have so much faith. I don't think anyone should expect it but at the same time noone is beyond it happening to them (and as i typed this i remembered i have randomed this before)

I am the same age my mom was when she had me.

I think preferences are allowed to be had but if after a certain age your preferences for a life partner still focuses on the superficial then I don't know what to tell you.

That's all I got folks. Have a lovely weekend. Have fun with your families and remain blessed! Oh Berry Dakara welcome back to our side of the pond!






Thursday, March 17, 2016

Friday Randoms

Hi guys. Happy Friday. We are halfway through March. Q1 2016 is slowly drawing to an end. This getting older business is for the birds man. I thought spring was here but then the weather app says there's gonna be snow on Monday. On the flip, this weather people have no clue what the hell they are doing anyways. Meanwhile, how are you guys enjoying the Trump Circus Show. It's quite amazing and amusing, I tell ya. How did we let this happen? I don't think I have many randoms this week but here we go...

Did any of you watch Married At First Sight? It's a reality show about people literally marrying at first sight. Anyways, there's this robot masquerading as a human being named Ashley. She has her many flaws but one of the ones she had was she was a "dunno" person. It's frustrating having a convo with someone who's default answer is always "I dunno". She did that a lot and it made me just want to choke words out of her.

It's weird to see people try to make sure others no they are a bad guys/girl. Bad in this sense being freaky. As corny as the line may be real g's move in silence biko.

Everytime I get asked the question "what's new?", I always assume that it's code for "do you have a man yet?"

My stay in my lane game is so strong. The minute I feel like I am getting a vibe that I am encroaching or trying to hard or anything in that direction - I'm out.

I don't understand pedophiles. Every time I see a story about someone trying to seduce a young child, I am so confused. It also has me thinking, is it fair to classify this as an illness? Because, you really have to not be able to control yourself and risk it all just to be with a child. Especially in a country where you will definitely get caught. So weird.

So you know when people are hailing pregnant women who look good and say "Baba God do it for your daughter too", I chuckle. I mean is it divine intervention that will make it happen or diet and exercise?

Do you consider yourself self aware? If yes, why do you think so?

What is the difference between arrogance and confidence? What makes it wrong to toot your horn loudly? I mean there's always word of believing in yourself and selling your market but the minute you do, it's frowned upon.

You know how some people value a call over a text. I don't think I do. I mean there are certain instances when a call is warranted and has more value but overall, I don't find texts impersonal. The best friend hates texts/messaging. Maybe I am just a victim of the lazy generation :(

I have been trying to eat better these last 2 weeks and it's amazing the things you never noticed. My senses are so heightened. Everything looks delicious. I picked up a bottle of juice the other day and looked at the nutrition info and it has 56 grams of sugar!!! I think I miss my daily coffee the most, especially my iced coffee. sigh.

I also learned that when people say xyz food is filling, I can't relate. Unless I overeat or it's pounded yam me I don't know what people are talking about when they say "oh this fills me up". I drink nothing but water all day and all I can think about is my next meal. Maybe I am just a grubbie sha.

Well that's all I got. Hope you have a lovely weekend. Stay blessed!






Thursday, March 3, 2016

A Mere Breath

Last week I read this devotional that really resonated with me. It really wasn't anything major but I think it was something I needed to read the night I read it. I sometimes feel like God doesn't hear me but the message felt like God was whispering to me. (am i being dramatic lol). I felt compelled to share this so I hope it touches at least one person.

We often treat our lives as if they have a certain endurance and stability. But their fragility is revealed by our complete dependence on every single breath we take. We do not make or earn these breaths. They are God's gift of common grace, every one. Moreover, each breath is also the gift of God's own breath. In the primeval act of life-giving, God exhales the breath of life into Adam and he "became a living being" (Gen 2:7). Job also refers to the "spirit of God in my nostrils" (Job 27:3)

We are alive at this instant because God's own breath is in us. How amazing, then, that we usually pay so little attention to breathing: in and out. But if the next breath were not there, we would rapidly cease to care about anything else. The platform of our lives, seemingly solid, balances on an ever rising, reed-thin column of millions of unnoticed breaths, each of them absolutely indispensable and irreplaceable. "If God should...gather to himself his spirit and his breath all flesh would perish together and man would return to dust" (Job 34: 14-15)

In unexpected moments, may you be blessed with the sudden remembrance that God is as near to you as the last breath that you have unthinkingly drawn. Know that you hold, in your lungs, at that very moment, an infinite and priceless treasure. And then offer it back to the giver by forming your exhalation into a sacrifice of gratitude: "thank you"

The last paragraph was what really got to me. It just sounded like a reminder that God is close and the little things I take for granted because they are "the norm" mean something and I should always be grateful for them.

We get snow tomorrow but it's Friday and House of Cards premieres on Netflix so yippee. Have a lovely weekend and remain blessed!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

So I guess this post is one long drawn out random thought.

Why is it that we are sold this idea that if you want something bad enough then you will get it.

I thought about that this week. You hear people with this strong belief that they just know they will get "x" because they want it so bad. I totally get the ideology when it comes to certain things because that means the person works hard and works towards achieving "x" and if all things fall in line then you get "x" but even then not all peoples and persons who work so hard get to achieve their "x"

I asked a poll question this week to give me some insight into people who have a strong belief in something. One of the answers I received to summarize was basically that they believe God has decreed it - which led me to another thought.

Now, once God enters the convo, I can't argue against someone's belief in him so that was the end of the convo for me but what I was thinking was back to those who believe God has decreed. Does this mean he doesn't decree same for all. You hear a lot of Christians always announce how they are favored by God - if you are a long time reader you will know the word "favored" makes me uncomfortable because it implies God prefers some to others.

Anyways, before I digress there are Christians who believe and still do not get what they believe for. If belief or wanting something so bad was all it took won't everyone be happy. Won't every sick loved one be healed. Won't every childless couple have a child. Every poor family suddenly have wealth. Basically won't the whole world be so much happier if wanting something so bad was all it took.

I remember when my mom passed and I would read my Bible. I would come across verses that said how God took care of his own and I would legit shut down my Bible. I didn't understand what it meant. Does it mean we weren't one of His own, so He didn't heal my mom. One of the explanations told to me that at the end of the day it is "God's will" that rules and we just have to learn to deal with it and trust it has a reason.

That's fair enough but on the flip side does it also mean we are just human beings who are trying to attach some strong hope and convince ourselves. Maybe things just happen to us with no rhyme or reason. We often discount the incidences where people just fall into stuff.

If anyone has any insight into this I would love to hear it. Anytime I have this convo it ends up with people focusing on me questioning belief and saying unless you have complete belief then you can't understand and it taints how you think and it manifests et al et al. Not sure I want to apologize for having these questions but I am very open to being enlightened.

Have a great weekend. I think this song is apt hehe

P.S The question mark on my laptop (as well as many other buttons) are broken so you may notice my questions weren't actually asked. No money for new laptop so I am trucking along.