Saturday, June 11, 2016

Blind(ing) Faith

Yesterday my TV was on WEtv and "Stepmom" happened to be playing. I hate watching movies on TV so it was more background noise as I read a book. I did however catch a scene where the mom, dying of cancer has an honest talk with her children about when she is gone and leaving an it inspired my blog post.

See, when my mom passed part of my anger and sadness was the fact that we never "said goodbye" so to speak. Never asked all the questions I had, had all the discussions or the advice one gets when you think you will be losing someone. As I have randomed before, I don't think I expected my mom to die - which in retrospect is something seeing as all the signs were there and the doctors kept trying to tell us in the best way possible that there was nothing else that could be done.

Which brings me to blind faith. I had a serious crisis of faith after my mom passed. It was like being hit and being shaken off my axis. It has been an intense struggle and one I am still struggling with and nothing seems to be helping. Watching that scene, just made me wonder whether faith helps or hurts. If I didn't feed into the typical Nigerian faith would it have been different, would I have made peace and feel better now.

I think about how every time all the signs would point to "not good at all", my first thought would be to chastise myself for not standing strong in my faith and believing that she would be cured vs. facing the realities of what was happening. My aunty and some other Nigerian people who I reached out to for prayers, scolding me when I tried to vent and saying stop thinking like that, just believe! and now I am kicking myself.

How do you separate faith from blind faith. I just heard a story of a couple that have been trying to have a kid for years. Due to health issues, she had to resort to IVF. 4 tries and it didn't work. Doctors said she had a less than 5% chance of getting pregnant and leaning towards giving up. She didn't and had faith and now she's pregnant. When do you know when to keep on trying and believing and when to give up, face realities and make allowances to prepare and adjust.

Faith requires suspending all logic and trusting completely in God. But as we don't know his overall plans or what is happening here , how do you forge ahead. I understand how it gives hope and helps one deal but I also see how it hurts especially being Nigerian. Every thing is seen as demonic, people with mental issues are not being helped because God will take care of it, things aren't being frankly discussed because you are thinking negative and you have to believe and think positive. When does faith become blinding.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Friday Randoms

Hi guys. it's been a long time. My hubris led me to my last post thinking you guys were missing me and I would be flooded with suggestions and inspirations. The big fat crickets in my comment box brought me back down to earth. Hehe. How now. How have you guys been. I've been okay, just living life day to day. I am super stoked that summer has finally arrived. Like we are hitting 90's now and I am so happy to see the sun. I am also grateful for the upcoming memorial day holiday. Ain't doing shit but bumming is fun too. I think I am burnt out from work. Anyways, here are some randoms...

I've never really understood the obsession with life on earth after death. I have a friend who is so obsessed with leaving a legacy which isn't wrong at all but my mindset has always been do the best you can while here and be good and kind to those around you and when you're dead issalloverjackie.

It irks me when people hide their ages. I think it reeks a little bit of insecurity. Met a girl recently at a conference and we were talking about a topic that was age dependent but she went all out of her way to hide it and made it such a big deal, it was just annoying. I've never been one to be coy about my age but maybe I am missing something. What could possibly be a good reason to hide your age

Is it weird or normal to wish a non mother happy mother's day

It's quite a shame that girls can't just do what they want sexually without worrying about their reputations while men are just slanging it out there with not a care in the world about being labeled hoes.

I want to be the kind of girl that makes her bed everyday :(

If you follow me on twitter, then by now you should know that I have been binge watching Gilmore Girls from beginning. I have made it to Season 4 (it's 7 seasons) and I just wanted to say that I hate Lorelai so much and Rory is just a yoruba demon disguised as an innocent girl

Is entertaining something that comes with being married/being a couple or is it something that's just innate in people. I noticed a lot more of my married friends tell me more about having friends or other couples over for dinner but I don't think I notice that with my single friends.

Speaking of entertaining. I am definitely not an entertainer or host. Just the thought of it gives me anxiety. i have to be like uuuuubber comfortable with you to cook for you. I am no slouch in the kitchen but I often wonder what I would serve if I was hosting people. I still can't think of a menu.

It takes nothing for a driver to get me so revved up. Happened to me this morning and I was so embarrassed for myself. But some people drive so stupid, I don't even understand why it gets me so riled up. It's not worth it.

"Your task is not to seek for love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it"

Someone posted an article on marriage not being an accomplishment. While it is not something that I think will be admitted out loud, I think in some little way, people consider it to be one. Especially in our naija culture. And I don't necessarily consider it a negative.  I have had a friend tell me she doesn't know how she would handle it if she was single and my age. So isn't being a certain age and being married an accomplishment (my question mark button doesnt work). Also, when people date, isn't the end goal usually marriage and when that is achieved that's an accomplishment, no

It's not news to me that the way men and women see attractiveness is quite different. K Michelle is an example. Her disproportionate self is just .... to me but I know a couple of guys who don't see it as anything. But then again, I always tell my guy friends that they won't use ass to kill them.

It's really not fair that men can procreate till the day they die and women have a shelf life

Which makes me ask...if you tink am really well, all belief suspended and with logical mind, if you read the bible, doesn't it seem like Christianity doesn't like women. Are there any self identified feminists that have a hard time reconciling that with being Christian

That's all I got for you guys. I hope you have an enjoyable holiday weekend. Eat, drink and be merry and stay safe!




Thursday, May 12, 2016

Waves

Hi guys. Just waving. I have not forgotten about my blog, i just haven't had anything that has inspired me enough to write so I am coming to you guys for ideas. If you have any suggestions please feel free to mention. I am all ears. Have a lovely weekend guys!

Thursday, April 14, 2016

3 Theories and a Question

Last week or maybe 2 weeks ago, I had 3 different conversations with 3 different guy friends of mine that had me going hmm and because I love hearing your thoughts and opinions, I figured I'd bring it on down here and see what you think.


THEORY 1

My friend believes that a person who is messing with someone in a relationship has nothing to feel guilty about. He believes the onus is on the person who agreed to a monogamous relationship or said vows. He says the person technically isn't cheating on anyone. The taken person is the one taking actions that affects their relationship.

THEORY 2

My friend beleives that statistically more agreeable people are off the market and go off the market fast. I tried to give the examples of how some people who gave ultimatums and didn't have the best attitudes were off the market and he said it proves his point because it means they ended up with an agreeable person. An unagreeable person would probably be like "ain't nobody got time for that" but an agreeable person decides to tolerate. He says how do you think fucked up people get off the market. because they marry saints (which made me think of Jamie and Doug from Married at First Sight).

He says these people pair off and you are left with the people who are set in their ways, people who still haven't sorted out their issues and once you are over 30 and dating you begin to see this more clearly. He says women bear the brunt of this more because men can avoid this issue and just marry a young girl.

(The original convo was about how much more difficult it is to date after a certain age and the pool you are left with)

THEORY 3

I asked my friend if he believed in love. He said he did but the caveat is that he thinks it has an expiration date. He says he beleives at the beginning of a relationship there is love and all the mushy stuff and as life intervenes and couples settle in it becomes more about the life you have together. You get used to the routine and the comfort of having a person who knows the routines and you and you don't even realise when the transition happens. He says so much is invested at that time and it's not like you are unhappy so it is really more of a hassle to leave than to stay in a comfortable situation.


Now, these are 3 theories I have never really seen from this view point, so my initial reaction to all of them was to disagree but

Theory 1 - I dunno I think there should be guilt involved but technically it is true that the person isn't cheating on anyone and they aren't breaking up a home, the person who decided to step out already broke that home

Theory 2 - I don't know if I viewed this objectively because I am in the over 30 demographic, so my first reaction is to be defensive because that will have to admit to not being "agreeable" to some degree but thinking about it later, I see where he is coming from.

Theory 3 - I can see this too especially because the one thing I have heard from a lot of people is how kids change everything and the realities of life. Where I get jumbled is if you are comfortable and not unhappy for the most part, what's the big deal then. Then I remember I didn't ask about happiness but about love. I always say love is not enough to sustain a relationship which implies a relationship can continue without the giddy love. Tina Turner told us a while ago anyways "what's love gotta do with it"

ps love means in love-giddy love. the basic i care about you love still remains between the couple


I would REALLY LOVE to hear what you guys think about these three theories. Have a lovely weekend and stay blessed.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Friday Randoms

Hi guys, Happy Friday. Aren't you glad it is the weekend. Before I say anything further, I just wanted to say thank you to all who sent positive vibes via comments or reached out to me personally on my last post. I never know how to deal with comments in general, I don't respond individually because I don't think people come back to read so please I hope people don't see it as an affront, please know I see and read and I appreciate. I am back to regularly scheduled programming.

The East Coast has bamboozled me again by telling me it is spring meanwhile it is cold outside with scary winds and the weather forecast has snow scheduled for Saturday. Is this even life.

Meanwhile, I thought I had avoided it but they got me y'all. I got called for jury duty! nooooo! I feel like they are targeting people at my job, I know 4 other people who got called. I don't wannnaaa gooo. I just watched The People vs. OJ Simpson (fantastic show btw if you haven't watched, just fantastic) and their own jury lasted 8 months. They couldn't talk to anyone, get on the internet and most importantly THEY.COULD.NOT.WATCH.TV!!! hehe I am just being dramatic. I have requested for a postponed date sha. Shall we random.

For people who get massages and take off everything including underwear, why do you do that. A male friend of mine let me know it's for the butt part of the massage. I guess as a woman our underwear is conducive to that, I forget male underwear is different. Either way, I can do without the butt part of the massage, it hurts anyways.

You really have to be a demon to have unprotected sex with someone knowing fully well you have an STD and not tell the other party. Especially if it is herpes.

Why are women so scared to have that monogamy-exclusivity conversation. why don't we ever want good things for ourselves.

I feel like I freak out about things because things usually don't go my way. I always thought that if I was one of those people where things usually just find a way to work out, I wouldn't freak out the way I do and be so relaxed with the knowledge that everything will work out. But, I have come across some people like that who still freak out despite a kosher history.

You know, in hindsight, one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me was someone asking if I have ever wondered if the reason I am single is because I am not lovable. I happened to just remember this this week. I've suffered in this life sha.

How do parents of identical twins tell the difference between them when they are babies. Do you think there's been cases where a child has been permanently renamed due to an unnoticed error.

This is more of a story: There is this girl at my gym. Small, petite in shape babe always working out and all. She spends half her time staring at herself in the mirror as she does stuff. She comes in fully clothed but usually ends up being half naked. Because she is always fondling with her clothes in a bid to figure out how to show off her stomach. She is either fiddling with her pants and rolling them down as low as she can (I have seen her thong more times than I can count) or playing with her shirt to tuck it under her sports bra. In fact yesterday, she did herself a favor and just took off the shirt and just worked out in her sports bra. Anyways, one day the owner is complimenting her and saying how her abs are great and awesome and a gym teacher says it's all about choices and from nowhere some girl just said "Well, I'd rather have kids than abs" and yall I burst out laughing. I thought it was so random and her bad belle was leaking loud and clear.

Speaking of kids. Naija babes or anyone who thinks they are a better candidate as wifey material than someone who has kids. Please stop it.

I don't think I remember the last book I read that blew my mind. You guys have any you'd recommend.

I know divorce is painful and stressful but I sometimes wonder if some divorced people ever think "phew, I am so glad that wasn't my last penis\vagina. I can experience more now!"

Well, that's all I got. Hope you guys have a lovely weekend. Stay blessed.


Saturday, April 2, 2016

In Memoriam

Friday marked one year since my mom passed away. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel but I took the day off from work and decided to stay home. I had booked a mass for her and went to church in the morning. My brother had gone to her grave side and had tried calling while he was there but I never take my phone to church and had missed his calls. I was relatively fine and thought I had got it out of my system the night before because for some reason that was when it hit me and I had cried some. Later in the afternoon, I got really restless and decided to take a drive. somewhere on my way home, I had a real flood of emotions and just began sobbing as I sang along to the songs on my ipod.

I thought a lot about the last year and how it has been and the #1 thing is how it still feels so surreal and I really can't believe she is not here. When she first passed, I was told a lot that it got better but I don't know how long it takes because that vacuum in my soul still feels bigger than ever and it still hurts so badly.

I gotta say, grief is such a weird emotion. It's such a unique journey in that it is yours and noone has the same story as you do. Even with my brother, while he understands like no other his grieving is completely different from mine. I thought a lot about the past year and how it's been. No matter how many people told me I was strong, it didn't feel that way to me because it was hard. I was struggling to just keep my head above water.

I think the biggest thing I noticed was I became more...I don't know the word...maybe sensitive? For example, in all the seasons I have been watching Grey's Anatomy I used to laugh at people that said they cried but now I find myself tearing up. Even in real life, when a coworker was diagnosed with cancer I found it so hard to be in her presence, I think at one point she was talking to people and I started crying. I also never noticed how many cancer research/hospital ads they were. They trigger my anxiety so bad and make me uncomfortable.

Oh yea, that's another thing. I just randomly burst out crying at the most random places and times which can be embarrassing when people don't know what is going on. Sometimes I know why, it could be the sight of a mom and daughter. I remember going to a friend's wedding and the bride's mom was filled with so much joy and was dancing and that just sent me into a tizzy and ran me into the bathroom sobbing. It could be the mere reading of a tweet like "my mom is my world" or "she's the best" or someone just saying something casually about their mom. Basically, I feel everything much more which in itself is just stressful.

It's been a year and I am still struggling to have memories of my mom pre-cancer. Everytime I think of her all I see is her during the cancer and how this fuck of a disease just rendered her to nothing and the pain and suffering and it gets me all mad and sad at the same time. I want to remember the good times, hell even when she yelled at me but for some reason that doesn't happen. Even the few times I have dreamt of her, it was in the sickly state which again adds to my unease. I prayed about it for some time but I must confess I haven't in some time but it will really be great if I can push past the awful memory. For some reason the night times are the hardest especially during my night prayers.

I didn't mean to make this all dreary but I think I just needed to let this out somehow before my brain explodes from too much thinking. Someone sent me a message saying they hoped my mom's legacy and light would live on through me and my brother and I say Amen to that. It's easy to dwell on the negative and I remember talking to my brother over christmas and he said how this happens to a lot of people, it's just happened to us now so we feel it's unfair but somehow we have to deal. My brother takes solace in the fact that he knows my mom is in Heaven and not in any pain. I think because I struggle with what happens in the after life it doesn't give me as much peace as it does him.

Sometimes, when I feel envy or anger when I see older people that still have their moms (when I am in my "moods" I always say "She had a good 20 more years to give") I am reminded that some people never had their moms or lost them much younger and I had the privilege of having her longer (to be honest it doesn't make me feel better). I am still learning or trying to manage my emotions but they just get overwhelming sometimes and I give myself permission to allow myself to feel. It's sometimes hard to talk about or share because I sometimes think I am making people feel uncomfortable and they are in a helpless position.

Okay I will wrap this up. Here's to my mom. Cheers to the amazing, strong woman who made me the woman I am today. Here's to the love and support she gave me all the time. The sacrifices she made and the lessons she instilled. You will never be forgotten and always be loved. I am so proud to be your daughter and hope to always make you proud. Continue to rest in peace momma.

I apologize if this post is too heavy. I promise to be back to regularly scheduled programming soon. Have a lovely weekend!

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Friday Randoms

Hi folks. Friday is upon us again. It's Good Friday, which means Easter is round the corner. It's been a good Lent for me and I look forward to Easter. It's a little bitter sweet as my mom's birthday is tomorrow and it's hard to imagine that she won't be here. Last year, she was in so much pain and didn't even realize it was her birthday but at least she was here and this year...sigh. Anyways, it's kind of hard to believe Lent is over already meanwhile we are still waiting for Spring to sprung. One minute it's warm and the next it's cold. I feel for people with allergies. Anyhue, here we go...

I can't even begin to tell you how bad customer service irks my soul. I tried a new hairdresser the other day and wanted to use her again. When I was trying to make an appointment, the receptionist was SO rude and sour and in the middle of our convo, I just hung up. That poor lady has just lost a client due to her ineptitude. I am now going to someone less skilled but she has excellent customer service (I am doing myself abi)

I realized something about myself. I always reflexively assume a person's boss is a guy whenever they mention their boss. Which doesn't make any sense considering my boss is a woman. What does this say about me.

I have traveled alone and I have traveled with friends and I have to say I enjoy my trips with friends better.

Listen, people need to realize that not everything is a pessimistic thought or comment especially with Nigerians. I was expressing my anxiety about something to someone and they were like "why so pessimistic". like goddammit, can we not have emotions anymore. ugh.

Isn't it weird how you look at some white girls and you just automatically know that they only mess with black guys

A friend of mine asked me this: when is the right time to talk about finances in your relationship. I personally think when you guys start talking about a future together then all debt, income etc should be disclosed so you can plan accordingly. What do you guys think. Married folk, when did you talk about finances.

When you don't approve of a loved one's significant other, honestly what is the right thing to do. I just can't think of a good\right way to express those feelings without it negatively impacting the relationship. Especially when they have decided this is who they want to be with.

I wonder why Easter is not a big deal in the States.

I am so easily intimidated it's kinda ridiculous.

Every time I look up low carb recipes I always stumble upon recipes drowned in cheese. Since when is cheese healthy

Was listening to something and this woman was making a declaration about how she would never ever expect her man to cheat on her and it just baffles me so much how people have so much faith. I don't think anyone should expect it but at the same time noone is beyond it happening to them (and as i typed this i remembered i have randomed this before)

I am the same age my mom was when she had me.

I think preferences are allowed to be had but if after a certain age your preferences for a life partner still focuses on the superficial then I don't know what to tell you.

That's all I got folks. Have a lovely weekend. Have fun with your families and remain blessed! Oh Berry Dakara welcome back to our side of the pond!