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Knock Knock

I have this affliction where I never fully enjoy good moments because I think it's too good to be true and surely something is waiting for me around the corner. This is an affliction because when the shoe actually drops you never know if it was going to be anyways or if it was a self fulfilling prophecy.

All that to say that I pushed past that fear and had me a positive reflective last post for my year in review and 2020 was like "aww you are cute" and here we are at me trying to paddle and keep myself afloat just like old times. I suppose that's what I get for not ringing in the new year in church (but on the flip side of that I got to finally kiss someone at midnight. Can you believe I just never have in my big age? For the most part I have spent a lot of new years on a plane, flying back to America. the rest were either with family praying or in church)

But that doesn't change my resolve. I resolved to practice trusting God and turning all things over to him. …

Year in Review - 2019

I can't believe we have come to the end of the year. The end of the year is such a mixed bag of emotions. I feel hopeful, I feel scared, I feel morbid and I feel resolved to do better with each passing year. I feel hopeful because 365 days is a lot of time for many things to happen, the unexpected good and bad. Scared because of the possible bad lurking around the corner. Morbid because each year is another age marker and one year closer to death (and I don't like this at all, it's scary) and resolved because I think about what I want to do better, how I want to be better and what I will be doing to put this in motion.

My friend asked me what I would rate 2019 out of 10 and I said 7 and if you have been following me, you'll know that's a pretty damn good grade. I have had a pretty rough couple of years and I think I was pretty much just numb by the beginning of 2019. I entered into the year unemployed, squatting at a friend's place. On New Year's day, I wen…

Friday Randoms

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Ah. The cold is officially here. I have switched out my closet and put away my summer clothes. Wah. Can you believe we only have a month and some left of the year...actually, the decade! Man, this getting older thing is for the birds. Kinda scary actually. I just want it to slow down. Do y'all have plans for thanksgiving? I have a complicated relationship with Thanksgiving. Its always made me sad and I think it reminds me that I don't have family nearby. I have been fortunate enough to have friends and family extend invitation some years but even then I felt awkward, like I was imposing in someone else's family. I have plans this year though but most of all I am looking forward to the days off to veg out.

Okay let me random.

Why is it taboo to let people know what you earn? I mean I get why it is a rule by employers but even outside of the work place. Is it shame? What if you are a high earner where shame is not applicable? I mean people already kind of infer what others m…

Friday Randoms +1

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I wrote this a while back and just realized I never hit enter. I just saw it in my draft. oops. Well here's stale randoms.


The weather is changing. This makes Taynement sad. I hate the cold. A lot. I get cold really easily and I feel so uncomfortable when I am cold. I hate the layering and the many clothes required and the burden of a coat. Sigh.

The turn of the season means I recently had a birthday. The birthday was last week and it was a nice, quiet one. I had attended a wedding in Miami and kinda turned it to a birthday weekend trip. It was nice being at my happy place aka the beach and just chilling in the water and laying in the sun listening to music and reading pretending my problems and real life don't exist. I took the actual day off and spent it with one of my favorite people. The one thing about getting older is how you get less gifts and I love gifts :(. The work peoples were nice and decorated my desk and left treats. That being said, I am grateful to be able to …

Checking In

Hi My Lovelies, it has been a minute and a half and a thousand seconds. Life has gotten in the way (yup, I know gotten is not a word but I like using it). I don't think I could have ever envisioned this year. When my mom passed, a friend gave me a journal that's a 5 year journal (I have mentioned that here before) so it's just a few lines but all 5 years are on the same page, so you get to see progress or lack thereof. My years seemed to be the same and quite frankly, I was embarassed seeing the same pain points over and over. I told myself this year had to be the breakthrough year.

Last year was so weird, it was consumed mostly by my unemployment (I was suddenly laid off by my company. Blindside was an understatement but it was also the best thing that has happened to me) and health issues. It was so rough and heavy is the word I'd use to describe it. I got through solely by the grace of God and my family and friends. During that time I decided I wanted to lead an int…

Average

Sometime ago, I random'd how it is a special type of painment when you feel like you are doing due diligence and putting all the work and there is nothing to show for it.

I think a different dimension to that painment is the day you discover you are just average.

I was watching awards being given out at work and I suddenly realized, I am never one of those people. In my professional career, I don't think I have ever been one of the super stars. Just the diligent, well liked, get things done worker. But not the superstar.

I have theories on why that might be but yea...

It's a funny thing, when I was younger, I truly thought the world was my oyster. I was so tenacious. I got an internship on sheer tenacity and got hired without ever being seen in person. On a regular day, I actually do think I am exceptional. I consider myself intelligent, I know a little bit about everything and can hold conversations on a number of things. I am a curious person and try to learn anything I …

Popping in to say Hello

I've been a bad girl. I haven't blogged or even had a friday random in a minute. I have no good reason tbh. The days seem to be going so fast and they really are all a blur now. It's like I go to work, countdown to the end of the day and countdown to the weekend (which is terrible by the way) come home and before you know it, it's time for bed and my alarm goes off and its wash, rinse, repeat.

I live for the weekends now. I am having a good summer tbh. It really is very easy to focus on the thorn(s) in your life and forget the roses. I keep getting good advice to not let the thorns take over and to take the time to smell roses but man sometimes yo, sometimes life can be a hater that be disturbing somebody but I shall continue to try.

I haven't had the chance to travel as much as I usually would but I went on vacation a few weeks ago and it was a great time hanging with family and just being away from the stresses of work. I love summer yo. Just feels freeing, no ja…

Friday Randoms

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It hasn't felt like summer because the weather has been cool and there's just been so much rain. But it felt hot today and I welcomed the sun. The days are dragging for me. It's so much effort to drag myself out of bed and when I get to work, I am just clock watching waiting to leave - riveting life, eh? Is anyone doing anything exciting for the summer? I think I am out of preamble material.

Let's random.

I am watching Queen Sugar and this nuisance of a Nova has written a memoir that reveals personal details about her family. She says its to free them from secrets but excuse me? It's akin to outing a person. It's not your place. I'd never write a memoir simply because it involves telling other people's stories. Come to think of it, are people required to get permission before writing memoirs?

The bad part about new person caking is how much TV time it takes away. Even more annoying when you know in a few months, they'll be gone while trusty TV will …

Women and Weight

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I have spoken about this here and there in some of my randoms and it had been swirling in my head but then this just popped up on my ipad and I figured it was a sign to get my thoughts on this topic on here.

It's true. Much like talking about boys/relationships, its almost guaranteed that where women are gathered there will be talk of weight or the new diet fad. We all have our body issues but I now call out my friends who are publicly self deprecating and calling out the body parts they hate. Its not kind to yourself and it makes people uncomfortable. Let it be a private journey to loving yourself. Anyways, I clicked on the link and read the article and I agree with a lot of it

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/08/opinion/sunday/women-dieting-wellness.html

"I called this poisonous relationship between a body I was indoctrinated to hate and food I had been taught to fear “wellness.” This was before I could recognize wellness culture for what it was — a dangerous con that seduces …

Musings

Life goes in ebbs and flows. I think  know I am in an ebb. Everything is just not at its best. It makes everything else just a little bit harder.Probably does not help or maybe because I am in an ebb, I chose to do some introspection. It's a weird thing when you can't tell if you are telling yourself harsh truths or being hard on yourself.

Instead of a friday random I figured I'd share some musings.

I wish there was a person who spoke fluent Taynement and could read my mind and know me inside out. They'd know what I needed before I myself knew and it'd come in handy on those times when I can't bring myself to ask for help when I need it.

I find it very dismissive when people say "Life isn't complicated, it's just people who make things complicated". I almost always conclude that they are speaking from a place of privilege. It's unfair to make a person feel like they are whining about something - although I am a hypocrite in this regard bec…