Sunday, July 5, 2015

Nature vs. Nurture

The other day I came across this tweet on my TL:

"i sometimes feel like the children of single parent homes or of divorce will stay in relationships LONG past the sell by date..."

I found this tweet silly because it reminded me of many sayings like this that I have heard in the past that seem to imply certain behaviors are solely or majorly found in people from single parent or divorced homes without recognizing that there are many scarred people that come from 2 parent/stayed together parents. Just because it's a 2 parent home doesn't mean it was rosy but anyways that's not my point. It led me to thinking whether people's lives/characteristics is because of their environment or their natural traits.

The age old Nature vs. Nurture question.

I still don't know where I stand on this question, but I think if I had to pick I'd pick Nature.

I think we are born with certain characteristics at birth that guide us through our decisions in life. Sure along the way, our experiences alter/modify, but I don't think the core of a person can be changed? or can it?

Another reason for those who might pick nurture. I met a couple. Married 50 years, been together about 54 years. They are a joy to be around. Still laugh together, hold hands etc. I asked what they thought was most important and he said she makes him laugh everyday. So basically, the epitome of a happy marriage. Now switch to their kids. A different story. I think except for one, none stayed married. Made bad dating decisions, single mom, problems with kids etc. They had an exemplary marriage to look up to so why?

I can recognize if people think I am making it simplistic with this example but i'd like to hear your thoughts. What do you think? What do you think has more influence in a person's life?

Nature vs. Nurture?

Thursday, June 25, 2015

An Irish Prayer

It's been a rough couple of months since I lost my mom. Sometimes, I look at myself and wonder how I am functioning. If you had ever told me how I would be if I ever lost my mom I would have told you I would have lost it, but here we are. Grief is a very strange thing. It's also a very confusing thing. You are full of questions but have no answers and won't get any because they are gone. It brings many different emotions that hit you at the weirdest times.

Every little thing reminds me of my mom and I can think of a memory to attach to it. It's an odd thing continuing and acting like life goes on when your world has stopped. Sometimes, I feel like a crazy person. After the funeral it was much worse. I felt so lost (I still do). I felt like I was walking around with a gaping hole. I was so confused and I didn't know what the purpose of life or God was. I couldn't pray. I tried reading the bible but everytime I read something that alluded to God protects his own or is always there, I'd shut down cuz all my mind told me was "LIES!!!".I felt like God abandoned me.

I found that people don't know what to say. I also found that as much empathy one may have, if they haven't lost a parent they didn't understand. You hear so many things - some insensitive, some that made me wonder "did they just say that?" and you have to understand they don't understand. I turned to friends, especially those who had lost a parent(or both), they understood me more and I was so desperate to find out how they survived this "trauma"(that's what I call it) because it just looked so bleak to me.

The funny part was as mad as I was at God, I had no other better solution. I somehow found my way back to prayer and I have to say it helped some. As I am talking to God and telling him to for once listen to me, I am also telling him I don't even know why I am praying to him but somehow I always end up having that need to pray (contradictory, right?). A friend of mine took it upon herself and gave me a stern, long talking to and it stuck. She explained her emotions when she lost her dad, how she still felt his presence, she called and prayed with me and for me, gave me perspective , listened to me whenever my anxiety crept up (which is often, i tell ya) and she got me a journal to write in because she said writing helps.

I think I am doing better now but I know I will never be the same. I am taking each day as it comes and it takes a conscious effort to get through each day with that ache. Thinking of the things I will never share with my mom again. I am not rushing myself or giving myself a time frame, I am allowing myself to grieve and mourn my mom. I don't know how long it will take but I am also just trying to have a better mindset of life. Life is indeed short. I still am not able to go to church ( I went once and it overwhelmed me, it felt like being in a building that betrayed me). So, I stick to mediating with God at home till I am ready.

I hope I continue to get better with each passing day and I intend to make my mom proud by bettering myself overall. Yesterday a friend of mine sent me this Irish prayer and I think it fits with where I want my mindset to be:

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow
For every tear, a smile
For every care, a promise
And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends, 
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song
And an answer for each prayer.

Have a lovely weekend. Stay prayed up and be safe.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Friday Randoms

Today is a somber day in America. These occurrences against black people is getting too frequent and it's actually a bit frightening because really this could happen to any one of us. May the souls of all those lost rest in peace. Here we go with randoms dedicated to my friend, Swanboy.

What's the line between confidence and arrogance?

Pet Peeve: When people sound so sure about stuff they have no proof or know nothing about. It is quite common among Nigerians because for some reason saying "I don't know" is a crime.

Sometimes I think my being single bothers other people more than me myself.

I can't count the number of times I have been asked if I will do online dating. I don't know what the intentions or reasons are but I always side eye the question. Especially if I haven't complained to said person about not meeting people. I just find it annoying when people have some insight into my love life or lack thereof.

Speaking of love life, it's one thing to be private but it's a whole other thing to be in a relationship or quarter to engaged and be fellowshipping with single people about "our own time will come"

I know there are some people who suddenly have all the wisdom once they get married. I don't think anyone should expect to be cheated on. Not at all. That's unhealthy. At the same time, I don't think anyone is beyond being cheated on.

I had never been to a funeral before. For my first funeral to be my mom's, it was as awful or far worse than I expected it to be. I don't see how anyone's life can be the same after you have seen a loved one in a casket. Hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to experience.

Where do you consider home? Where the heart is? Where you feel at peace? *insert whatever else definition*. I don't know where I consider home. I have no ties to anywhere.

Sometimes, as human beings, we bring things upon ourselves - I call them man made problems. I don't consider it a situation where God is testing you or your faith. For example, if you lay with a person unprotected and you catch something. The rough patch you go through isn't a test. It's the consequence of a mistake. Mistakes are things we humans do a lot because we are...human. Now how we react and deal with the consequence whole different matter but before then, no need to bring the big man into something that we brought upon ourselves.

When a woman loses her husband, she's a widow. When a husband loses his wife, he is a widower. When children lose their parents they are orphans. What do you call someone who loses a child?

If you have a child and name them and you lose that child. Is it weird to name a future child the same name as the one you lost?

People underestimate the fear I have for doctors/hospitals/offices. Was at the doctor's office earlier and while waiting I nearly passed out from fear. By the time the doctor walked in I was trying to breathe and trying to loosen my loose shirt collar as if I was wearing a tie (dramatic much). She was like are you okay? Glad she was a nice doc sha, she knows my history and said I have ptsd from previous experiences. She also told me to maybe try hypnosis (hardy ha ha)

I really don't like "lol" as a filler in convos. I get that sometimes it's the only thing to say, I am guilty of it but when it's used every other message, it's like grrr.

Someone once asked if graveyards at some point cleared out the graves and headstones and if they didn't wouldn't we run out of space at some point. I thought that was a good point. I walked by a graveyard today and I saw a bunch of headstones of people born in the 1800's!! and died in like 1920's. I wonder if people still visit. Is it a leased space?

Guys please help a sister out and visit and tell a friend to tell a friend. Thank you!

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend. Remember to always stay prayed up and be safe.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015


I saw this tweet on my TL:

"Things people are struggling for, you get them easily without sweat. Without compromise. Just God's favour!"

I think I may have said this in my randoms before but this tweet reminded me how the word favor rubs me off the wrong way. I totally get wanting to sing your blessings to the world but I truly think there are other ways to do so without being smug? obnoxious? (are those the right words?)

We are told that God loves us all equally but when these self proclaimed favored people make these declarations, the word seems to take on a connotation like they are on a different level and are better in God's eyes. Like those who don't get them easily (to quote the lady above) are doing bad things and deserve to be punished.

Once again, I am not saying the praises of God shouldn't be declared publicly but more oft than not these declarations often comes across as bragging under the guise of praising God. I think you can tell when a declaration is genuine, I doubt it would include comparison to others.

My gripe of the day.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The thing about religion...

I met someone this week who is Jewish. He was introduced to the religion by his wife. He believes in equality and social justices for all and actually does things about it to make it happen. He is all for gay rights. In his car, he keeps a basket of stuff that includes socks, gloves, hats, snacks, medicine, vitamins etc to give to homeless people he encounters that may be in need.

I also have a friend who is so generous with the kindest heart and is always looking out for the interest of everyone else before hers. In my time(s) of need, she has always shown up in a big way. She happens to be gay.

Based on the christian religion, these two people don't meet the criteria to make it into Heaven even though they are they epitome of loving their neighbors as they love themselves.

How sway?

Makes no sense to me.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Friday Randoms

Hi guys. The weekend is upon us again. There's no point counting down anyways because I feel like you blink and Friday is here. I mean we are almost done with the first quarter of the year, March will soon be over. I thought we were done with snow in these parts but of course not. We are expected to have snow tomorrow ironically the first day of Spring. Go figure.

This was a stressful week for me so I am kinda glad to see it almost over. Why does life have to be hard sometimes? Also why is it hard to walk away from something that is clearly not good for you? Anyone of you guys watch the Empire finale? It was such an acid trip. Everything and EVERYTHING was packed into those 2 hours. It was a hot mess but I loved it. Guess it makes sense why I love reality shows, huh? Okay let's random before I say what I am not supposed to say on here.

I am truly grateful for wine. I am currently sipping on some Berry White Cranberry something and the tart and sweet combination is making me feel nice. (says the girl with the alcohol tolerance of a 10 year old)

How are people on TV never freaked out by the disgusting bathrooms they seem to find themselves in (think of how disgusting the bathroom Olivia Pope was in was). They just casually stroll in and do what they need to do like the place isn't a germ trap.

I saw this quote "No one is successful because they are lucky" and I still don't know if I agree with it or not. What do you guys think?

I never understand when people refer to sleeping at like 7/8pm as napping. It's not a nap jo, it's sleep. Or is napping not restricted to a particular time of the day? I always thought it was a daytime thing.

I don't understand why working professionals can't get Spring Break. If children doing common school work need time off. How about us dealing with the stress of life and working 9-5 everyday with deadlines and stuff. A one week mental break would be awesome.

I really want to go on a European tour. I really just want to run away from my life. Anywhere might do.

When celebs die of an overdose and their fellow celeb friends start to commiserate and sing their praises, I often wonder if they knew that their friend had a drug problem and if they ever tried to help. They always seem to just speak about them like it wasn't an overdose.

When I meet old people that have never had cancer they are like wonders to me.

You know how people say if someone has a bad attitude like bitchy, crazy, unpleasant etc that it is harder for them to find a mate. I don't think I agree. I am watching Real World and this psychopath man with a terrible temper found himself a nice guy. You think about older naija couples where the dad is so chilled but the mom is like from a horror movie.

Every story that ends in a wedding is a successful story, eh? "I just knew she would be my wife/husband"

"Dating scares the crap out of everybody" Is that true? Aren't there people that love it? I have a friend on Tinder just for the fun of it.

I recently tried to read a physical book and it was so awkward. It was as hard as trying to text on a non smart phone. I actually never made it past the 3rd page. I will go back to it some day.

Well that's all I have for you guys. Work is about to send me on a flurry of travel so I am about to be acquainted with airports again. You guys have a great weekend and be safe.

Sunday, March 15, 2015


"Friendship is like money, easier made than kept"

Friendships is one of those things I take very seriously. Some may consider it a bit too seriously. But I consider it serious because when you don't have family around they can be the family that you get to choose. One of my life lessons was that friendship does not have one straight definition. It means so many different things to different people.

When I was younger, I thought friendship was defined the same by everyone. I had certain expectations and things I thought friendship should be and when it wasn't meant I felt the other party has failed me. I've come to learn now that everyone is different and you can foist your beliefs on others. I have learned it is a tailor made thing and everyone has different expectations. I still have my expectations of what I feel a friendship should be but i have learned to not be so rigid about them.

In my observations of some people, it seems people are okay with a surface/shallow level of friendship. Surface being they party together, socialize together but when it comes down to the gritty stuff you will hear "we don't talk like that" but to the outside world they are practically bff's. Now while I get things aren't always what they seem to be it's still something that makes me go hmm. I have random'd before about people that have bridesmaids that they don't really care for and I have heard a case where someone was told in situations like that "don't be doing close friend for bridesmaids. Think about your shower and choose people who can make things happen for you". I didn't make this up.

Some friendships are out of habit. You have been friends so long it will just be weird to not be friends. Some friends are actually frenemies. Can't actually state why exactly they are friends or what they like about each other. Like I mentioned above, everyone has different definitions. Some are aware of some of these things and are okay with it.

The other thing about friendship is that it's true that life happens. All is well and good when you are young with no responsibilities but with the inclusion of a husband or kids or for some, distance. It changes dynamics. Your husband or boo becomes your go to person and your priority. Or how do you make someone prioritize their kids over you? People with more common interests or in similar stages in life naturally gravitate more to each other. Sometimes, I don't think they realize when it happens. I do believe you make time for what you want but life does happen.

Something I do believe in friendships is that it involves sacrifice. By sacrifice I mean, sometimes doing things that aren't convenient. Not everything one does should/will be convenient. Sometimes you have to go out of your way for your loved ones because they need you.  That's another thing I have learned and learned to lower expectations in that area.

I always say the friends department is somewhere that I have been blessed with but some times I do feel misunderstood. Like noone gets me - but that's everyone, right? Just like how tv/movies make fairytales out of romance, I think they do the same with friendships. I wonder why noone can read my mind and tell what I am thinking like they do on TV, lol. but real life. I am currently working on seeing the good in everything instead of the bad and being appreciative of everything no matter how small. It makes life easier and less stressful.

Here's the thing as human beings, when we think we have gripes against other people, it is 100% guaranteed that someone feels that way about you too. So no matter what expectations or disappointments you may have experienced just know that we aren't perfect and you have probably let someone down too. So appreciate the true friends that you have because good friends are hard to find.

For those that have been friends to me at different stages in my life. Thank you.