Monday, July 21, 2014

The Biggest and Hardest Lesson is...(3)

Q: What is the biggest and hardest lesson you have learned in marriage?

A:
Biggest Lesson Learned In Marriage
Respecting my husband even when he hasn't earned it. I've learned that his emotions, his confidence, is closely tied to how I treat him. And even when he makes wrong decisions, and I'm disappointed or upset I have to always respect him regardless. And it's hard because as a woman I tend to reward good with love and bad with dislike and I'm learning to reward every with Love and Respect.
 
Second thing I've learned is somewhat tied to the first which is not leaning to my husband for ALL my needs. I knew this before we got married but it's easier said that's done. After all we look at our husbands as the head of the families, king of our castles  so it's only natural to expect them to fulfill all of our many crazy expectations. 
 But a friend have me a book ( When I  Get Married) Bu Jerusha Clark and she ricocheted the idea of putting your expectations on the ONLY one that can fulfill them - GOD. 
 Your husband is human, he has flaws , weaknesses, issues as much as you do and he CANNOT and SHOULD NOT  be expected to fulfill all your needs. Have reasonable expectations for him and remember he is as human as you. Because when you don't then you start to resent him for not fulfilling your every every - Same Goes for the husband I presume. 

The Most Difficult Lesson
- Submission. 
Anyone that knows me knows I can be feisty and ready to cut you verbally ( I can't physically fight so I sharpened my mouth skills)   
It's hard being and independent opinionated woman to take a back seat to a man. It's easier for me because I trust and completely love my husband but it's still a struggle. Especially when your husband chastises you for whatever you've done wrong ( wether you think it's wrong or not). My instinct is to comeback with a smart aleck remark and I always have to remind myself it's not about who hits best. There are other ways to make my case without making my husband feel small or disrespected. If he feels that way not only will it hurt him, it hurts me and how i see him. It will affect of sex life our marriage and we will resent each other. So I bite my tongue, I chant "remember your god given role woman" and he eventually apologizes cos he knows it took a lot for me to not say anything back. 

Second thing I've learned is somewhat tied to the first which is not leaning to my husband for ALL my needs. I knew this before we got married but it's easier said that's done. After all we look at our husbands as the head of the families, king of our castles  so it's only natural to expect them to fulfill all of our many crazy expectations. But a friend gave me a book ( When I  Get Married) by Jerusha Clark and she ricocheted the idea of putting your expectations on the ONLY one that can fulfill them - GOD.  Your husband is human, he has flaws , weaknesses, issues as much as you do and he CANNOT and SHOULD NOT  be expected to fulfill all your needs. Have reasonable expectations for him and remember he is as human as you. Because when you don't then you start to resent him for not fulfilling your every need - Same Goes for the husband I presume. 

The Most Difficult Lesson
- Submission. 
Anyone that knows me knows I can be feisty and ready to cut you verbally ( I can't physically fight so I sharpened my mouth skills)   
It's hard being an independent opinionated woman to take a back seat to a man. It's easier for me because I trust and completely love my husband but it's still a struggle. Especially when your husband chastises you for whatever you've done wrong ( whether you think it's wrong or not). My instinct is to comeback with a smart aleck remark and I always have to remind myself it's not about who hits best. There are other ways to make my case without making my husband feel small or disrespected. If he feels that way not only will it hurt him, it hurts me and how i see him. It will affect our sex life and our marriage and we will resent each other. So I bite my tongue, I chant "remember your god given role woman" and he eventually apologizes cos he knows it took a lot for me to not say anything back. 

 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Tales About Nigeria - Part 4

These are the final parts of the installments but they will be split in two. Feel free to catch up on the others. Here's the first part of Part 4


When you go on social media, most times what you see is the end result of something. For example, when someone posts "To God be the Glory" for a new luxury vehicle, all you are looking at is the end result. Most times, we, the audience, have no idea what was put into acquiring the end product. We assume that because we have jobs, and are hard working, these people also have jobs and are hard working. Well, we all know that sometimes this is not the case. 

When you are in Nigeria, you see Range Rovers and G-Wagons at the same rate that you would see a Toyota Camry or a Honda Civic in the states. You sit and wonder, how on earth can these people afford these expensive vehicles? Strangely enough, what I noticed was that my friends that I see in offices working hard spending 24/7 at their jobs are not the ones with these kind of cars. Most times, it's the bottle popping, designer clothes wearing, guy that clubs from Quilox Wednesdays until Elegushi Sundays.

You have to wonder what these people are doing for a living. And it's not just the guys. I've seen just as many girls with Birkins, Rolexes, and G-Wagons. And these same females will be the first one to judge you, that has job and are very comfortable with your life o! It's this same judgement that people fear that causes them to change character in Nigeria.

Years ago there was a guy that I knew that lived in the village. His eyes had never seen Lagos and we all knew him to be calm, nice, and extremely bush. On holidays when we were younger, he would dance with our uncles during masquerade festivals and teach us things that we didn't know about Nigeria. 

As we got older, he decided to leave his family behind and move to Lagos. His older brother had been living in Lagos for years doing business and made a name for himself selling cars. One day he followed his brother to a dinner for one of his brother's customers. When he arrived to the dinner, he saw cars that he had never seen in real life before. He examined every man there. Designer clothes, expensive watches, shiny shoes, everything to him looked like treasure.

There were some men there that he had recognized from the news as people in government, but he wondered, how did their assistants also have these expensive things? He wanted this life for himself and was willing to do anything to get it. The money, the cars, surely if he had these things, women too would follow.

He was sitting outside the dinner day dreaming about the lifestyle that he wanted when a guy came to meet him. He introduced himself as the personal assistant to Alaji. Personal assistant asked him why he was wasn't enjoying the party. The guy replied to PA that he doesn't belong here. Even he, as PA, is wearing the best clothes. He wants these things too. PA told him that if he really wanted the luxury life, then they should meet for a meeting. If he shows up for the meeting, then he will know that he is serious. PA gave his card to the guy and went back into the party.

The next day, the guy called the personal assistant and they arranged to meet that evening at Brown's Cafe in Victoria Island. After passing the place a few times, the guy finally arrived at the cafe and went inside. The place was dimly lit and he recognized some of the men from the dinner sitting down with cigars chatting about oil. He walked past them and there was PA sitting down waiting for him.

PA welcomed him and motioned him to sit down. Feeling very excited, but nervous, the guy started rambling his life story. He started explaining that he just recently came to Lagos to make a life for himself. He wants to be stinking rich and he will do anything to get the money. PA very calmly explained to him that to get the life he wants its very easy. After all, he was once in the very same position. But, he warned, this way is not clean. Your life will never be the same. You will be rich and have the power to do everything you want, but this way is not clean. The guy asked him what he meant by "not clean." He only said, "Money and power will never buy you happiness. But if you really want it, there is a way." 

"How can money and power not make you happy?" said the guy. All those things will get you women and anything thing you could want on earth! PA only told him, "once you go this way, it's difficult to turn back, the deeper you go, the more you must do." The guy was getting impatient and said, "I don't care what it is, money is what I want." PA smiled at him and said, "then let's go, we are late for our meeting." 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

The Biggest and Hardest Lesson is...(2)

Here's (1) if you are interested.


Q: What is the biggest and hardest lesson you have learned in marriage?

A: 1. Be comfortable with imperfection in everything, especially when close analysis will show that you are slightly imperfect too.

2. The feelings will change and mutate, don't freak out. There was a reason you fell in love, made the choice, took the leap, His/Her essence remains but life will happen and the mundane may suck some things.

3. Focus on making the other happy, consciously or else it is actually quiet easy to take the selfish route out of frustration and things begin to change

4. Focus on being happy, do not make any person solely responsible for your happiness..its a lot to carry

5. Sometimes the joy and happiness of this new phase can be overwhelming...remember and preserve those moments. 

6. You have a new responsibility and it can be challenging caring, supporting and providing for another person, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically but take it easy and pray/meditate or whatever needs to be done to keep balance

7. It is no longer all about ME..


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Friday Randoms

Howdy Ho. How are you guys? Can you believe it's Friday again? We say it all the time but time really is flying but I am not complaining as long as God gives me life and I can get weekends to bum out and relax. Guys, I have to say I am in such a good place in my life that I really don't believe it. Who knew this existed? After having turmoil-filled years, I think I got used to that but this is nice. Praises to God for everything. I am so glad it's summer. I will never understand people who complain about it. I am having a great one so far. Lots of activities and travel lined up. I had a great 4th of July. Got to see Nicki Minaj and Ed Sheeran perform and participated in a color run. Our team name was Team FixIt Jesus lol. gabble, gabble. Let's random.


I'd like to give a shout out to my best friend. We are separated by distance and we don't talk as often because she is a doctor and they have yeye schedules but we make it work. I appreciate how she always knows the right things to say to me. She sent me the sweetest text this week about my sister blog (which I sometimes feel discouraged about cuz it does not have the traction I'd like) and made my day. She takes the time out to always read and even comment on it and I appreciate it because she really doesn't have to. So Thank you and love you!

See ehn..I think I am an anxious person but when I see the people who live and die by the internets, its exhausting. They are quick to point out what will kill you, what is bad for you, what you need to ingest etc then I realize, maybe I am not as anxious as I think.

I wonder if people have "living abroad guilt". It always seems like it's the people who haven't been back home in a while that make the most noise about the state of our country.

A lot of people seem to have travel alone on their bucket list but I don't think its necessarily something I want to do. I want to share the experiences plus its cheaper to share expenses jare. I never hammer like that.

Its ironic that the place I feel most alone or rather reminded that I have no immediate family around me is at church. It sucks, especially during holiday masses. Everyone comes to church with their family and sit in groups.

When people are applauding, how do we know when to stop?

An old friend of mine came to visit and it was such a nice visit. There's something about old friends who have known you since way back when. Just easy.

If someone tells me they are dating a white man, I think it is perfectly normal for my first question to be whether they are circumcised.

People are scared of having and raising kids. I don't have that fear. What I fear is how kids will change my quality of life. I truly 100% believe that saying that Kids change everything. My fear was not quelled after I watched the HBO doc "112 weddings". Man. This videographer went back to couples he filmed 10-15 years ago. The difference between the smiles on their wedding day to the weariness on their faces now was so scary. The one common theme was how kids changed everything. God dey. Lerrus find husband first.

Cancer is a whole different beast. I saw something that said that we all have cancer growing in us and I believe it.

Would you rather receive a call letting you know that you have not been invited to a wedding due to costs or rather just not be invited?

You know how ndi Nigerian fit fam say they ran xyz miles, do you think they actually run all the miles or na jog, walk, run combo?

I don't think I can be 100% be myself with oyibos. I feel like I usually have to edit myself.

Why do people deserve to have gruesome deaths?

When men wear their id's on their belt, do they realize it stops right around their crotch area? I am genuinely trying to get your name but then it looks like I am trying to stare at your crotch.





Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Tales About Nigeria - Part 3

Hello good folks, please find Part 1 and Part 2 from previous posts, if you'd like to catch up. Here's Part 3:


While I was in Nigeria, I used to go and visit my cousin at her job in a hospital. She was telling me about a cute guy that wanted to take her to the movies. The guy, according to her, was good looking, had a good job, and had a nice sized bum bum lol. She was skeptical about going to the movies with him because she could sense something off about him but she couldn't put her finger on what it was. My cousin agreed to go the the movies with the guy and he told her that he was coming with his friend from work. So she asked me to come with her so I could be the friend's date. I agreed so that we could use the opportunity to jointly investigate his "off-ness." Plus it didn't hurt that in pictures, his friend was good looking.

My cousin and I arrive at the Silverbird in the Galleria and the guys were already there waiting for us. They were fresh guys even in  office clothes. Well tailored button up shirts and fitted khakis. My guy had a perfectly sculpted goatee and an earring. My cousin's guy had a huge smile on his face as he greeted and hugged her. When she introduced him to me, he gave me a handshake, but with his fingers. Maybe its the yankee upbringing I have, but I had never had a man not give me a firm handshake before. It threw me off slightly, but I remembered that I was in Nigeria so I shrugged it off and went into the movie.

During the movie, my cousin and I were sitting on the outside of our guys in our row. Since they were sitting next to each other, all my cousin and I could do was steal glances at each other from a distance every once in a while. It was really awkward. My guy didn't even offer me popcorn or whisper anything to me. It was almost like I didn't exist to him. I noticed that my cousin was going through something similar although she at least had some popcorn. 

At the end of the movie, the guys said their good byes to us and left. My cousin and I stayed behind and had dinner in a restaurant in the lower level of the Galleria. As we were waiting on our drinks, two of our friends walk in and we tell them to join our table for dinner so we could gist. The girls said they had already eaten but they had come in for drinks so they sat with us. My cousin begins to download the entire gist for the girls. She added that during the movie that the boys were only speaking to themselves and she had to ask for the guy to pass the popcorn. I added my own bit about how the only time the guy looked at me was when we first met and when they both left. 

Our friends came to the conclusion that maybe the guys weren't that into us and they began to download their own gist. They had met up with two of their guy friends in a restaurant in the upper level of the Galleria for an early dinner. The guys said they might have a meeting in about an hours time so they would just grab a snack and pay for the girls food so the girls could stay and eat. The boys were gisting them about how their boss throws the best parties. They explained how politicians and big men would come and how there would always be plenty of alcohol. They described how the parties were normally in nice pent house suites with catered small chops. The girls asked them why, for as long as they had all been friends, had the guys not invited the them to those parties. The boys said to them that the parties were more like corporate gatherings, and that the girls would probably find it boring. Soon after, the boys left them to go to their meeting.

The girls stayed at the restaurant to finish their food and came to this restaurant for drinks. As they finished their own gist, in walked in another one of our mutual friends who was a guy and he sat and joined us. He has just come off of work and he was feeling down. He explained to us that his job pays really good money but he can't deal with it anymore. His friend hooked him up with the job one month ago and he already wanted to quit. We asked him why, if the job was paying such good money, would he want to quit. He told us that he found out that his boss was gay. He always calls him into the office to have small talk with him and he's tired of feeling uncomfortable. He said that he ran into a couple of his co-workers outside and they told him that the boss definitely has a crush on him. What's worse is that the boys said that he should man up that its okay. That the boss would pay him very well if he's obedient. 

The four of us girls were in shock. Who knew that in Nigeria of all places that guys went through this sort of thing? He asked us what we would do in that situation. We told him that it depends on his comfort level. If the boss is coming on strong, pressuring him, and making threats, it's better to quit. He explained to us that his co-workers said the opposite. When he spoke to them before walking into this restaurant, they told him that he would be a fool to quit just because a man is hitting on him. "What's the big deal?" they told him. He was on his 4th bottle of big Star when he said, "Anyways, I've always suspected those two."

"Which two????" said one of the girls. "You even know them sef, Bassey and Udo," said the guy. All four of us girls gasped at once. Udo was the name of my guy and Bassey was the name of my cousin's guy. Apparently they were the same guys that had met up with our friends earlier before our movie. In merging our gist together, we quickly realized that:
 
1. Bassey and Udo meet up with girls in public, to cover the fact that they are just on dates for themselves 
2. Those corporate parties, according to our guy friend, were really just gatherings for rich gay men. and 
3. Bassey's big bum bum?! :-O 

As all this gist was hot, and with the help of our guys 5th big Star, he began to open up to us. He told us that he had been bothering his friend for long time about the job and he was reluctant to put him on. After some months he found himself working at the company. Nothing really goes on there at work. He types some papers up, has meetings about nothing, but he gets paid good money. But every weekend there is a "corporate gathering." It was at the gathering that he found out how much gay activity existed in the company and how the company is funded by big men that are gay.  Its all super secretive and if you aren't on the same agenda as them, they fire you and make sure you are out of a job for a long time.  
 
 It took him another two weeks to finally quit the job. His boss offered him all types of promotions and extra money but he finally just said no and left. This was one year ago and he still doesn't have a job. There are several gay communities that exist in Nigeria. They are filled with people from all walks of life: married men, corporate guys, body guards, bankers, politicians, you name it. Some of these men are being followed by boys who would literally do anything to "hammer" even if it includes servicing these men sexually. It's funny how women get judged for doing this same exact thing, but when men do it for other men in Nigeria, its kept super quiet. Which is worse?
 
 



Sunday, July 6, 2014

The Biggest and Hardest Lesson is... (1)

I was catching up with a friend from Grad school and she was saying how she'e entering into her second year of marriage and really enjoying it and it was getting better with each year. I was happy to hear that. I remember in grad school she was like 33 or 34 and she was really concerned about not being married yet, so I am glad it was working out for her.

Anyways, my "i secretly always wish I could make a documentary and I swear I had the concept of "True Life" first before someone else did and MTV started airing it" self decided to ask about the biggest and hardest lesson in marriage learned and she seemed eager to share since I got a lengthy answer. I've done something similar before here. But I got a few more in depth answers that I will be posting intermittently. If any of you would like to share yours, feel free to email me at Taynement@gmail.com. In the meantime, enjoy! (wait, is enjoy the right word?)

Have a blessed week.

Q: What is the biggest and hardest lesson you've learned in marriage?

A: Glad you asked about the biggest lesson because I have been meditating on it. When you go into marriage, you should go in with an open mind, ready to give and serve your mate. Many people (I was one of them some time back) go into it only thinking of what they will get/receive from their spouse. You have to be willing to give and as you do so you will also receive. Giving and receiving may not match up 50:50 because God has blessed each person differently and one person can do some things better than the other or sometimes you are both good at the same things or vice versa. But yes, biggest lesson, be ready to give (because God has put things in you that your spouse needs) and serve. Its a ministry.

The hardest thing for me to date is getting in the groove of cooking and all the household chores. Thank God my hubby helps but He prefers home cooked meals and it does not come naturally for me. I never used to cook when I was single:-(

But you know God doesn't give us what we cant handle. Marriage is like putting a mirror in front of yourself/life. You cannot hide your weaknesses from your spouse for long. At some point, you have to embrace them and work on the ones you can (with God's help). But I agree with you, it could be worse. I used to be very hard headed and kinda full of myself at some point in my life but God worked on me on those things before my husband came. I don't struggle with submission like most gals I know. The other thing is finances. Co-mingling finances and agreeing on spending habits and savings was also a tough one for the first year but we are slowly getting in sync.

Becoming one is a process. I love what my Pastor preached one day regarding Proverbs 14 "a wise woman builds her house". Building takes time. Look at all great buildings/ architecture, it took good planning, time and resources to build. That really helped me  a lot because I used to think that I should be a perfect wife from the get go. Now I'm ok that I'm not perfect but Im getting better as we go.



Friday, July 4, 2014

Being Me Blog Tag

Madam Bella Imperfezione tagged me on this and I promised to do it, so here we go. Oh and also Happy 4th of July!

Are you named after someone?

Nope. But I do have to say that two of my other names are names of two of my aunts (mom sis and dad sis) who are dead. I duno does that mean that's a yes?

When was the last time you cried?

Hmm, I don't remember. Oh I do. It was June 4. At my doctor's office.:(

Do you have any children?

Nope

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

Yep. I'd probably find myself annoying but will see enough good qualities to overlook.

Do you have any guilty pleasures?

Reality shows, sugar

Do you like handwriting?

I usually would sayyes but I tried the pen pal thing not long ago and man, my fingers hurt and I just thought it was taking too long.

What’s your favourite cereal?

Frosted Rice Krispies

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Accent and height

What’s the colour of your eyes?

Black? Brown?

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. I don't fux with scary movies

Favourite TV show?

Mad Men

Winter or summer?

Summer always. That feeling of being cold is so uncomfortable.:)

Hugs or kisses?

Kisses

Special talent?

I can always see beneath the surface and read between the lines.

Where were you born?

Paddington

Hobbies?

Read. Watch Tv. Watch TV. Watch TV. Used to be dancing, don't do that much anymore, trying out recipes especially baking recipes, traveling

Do you have any pets?

Nope. I don't think I like animals

Favourite movie?

Towelhead, House of Sand and Fog

What colour is your car?

Red Pearl (hehe)

What do you want to do when you grow up?

Be a pop culture commentator

I tag Mizchif, Lady Kash, My Purple Brain and Honey Dame