Untangling Trauma Bonds

I'd been having some thoughts in my head lately and in my brain, they connected so I thought I'd write about it but now that I am, I am hoping that it makes sense. I feel I have to remind you guys that I am a serious person. I can have a good time but I am self aware enough to know that I am a serious person who could do with some chill, sometimes. 
I don't know if I consider it a flaw or not, I guess it can be because it's probably what contributes to my anxiety and always overthinking stuff. But on the flip, it's a plus for me, in that it helps in my self introspection/evaluation with my life goal of living an intentional life. I have always been fascinated by the human psyche so I tend to never take things at surface level. I always want to know the why or the layers that led to something because as complex as life is, there is always a pattern that pieces everything together so to me it's like a psyche jigsaw puzzle.
I quietly got married some time ago and as…

Happy Father's Day!

I came here to write this post and saw that my last post was a Mother's day posts. Oof! Oh well, thank God it's my blog.

Mothers/Fathers day is a tough one when you have lost either or both of your parents. I try to reach out to my friends who are having this experience on this day. Each year, I am noticing the list is increasing and honestly, I have said it before, aging makes me sad.

I reached out to a particular friend of mine and as were talking I realized that Father's day is yet another complicated feeling for me. My father is alive but I barely talk about him. A lot of people have commented that they thought my father was dead. It's mean to say he is but he is not a major factor in my life and that's how it's been for most of my life. I mean I didn't even have the luxury of emotionally unavailable but financially present.

It's odd to say you are an orphan when you have one parent alive but there is really no contribution on his end so does it cou…

Happy Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.

Mother's Day always comes with a myriad of emotions for me ever since I lost my mom. Somehow, some way it has been 5 years since I lost her and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. It's a lingering, never going anywhere hole but often times it hits harder at its own convenience and Mother's Day is one of them.

I saw a quote from Prince Harry that said it best "Missing a mother is like missing some sort of security.You need that as a son and it falls away when you lose your mother. But everything I do reminds me of her"

Like with some of the other big dates, I begin to feel the sinking feeling like a week before. On the day of when I reach for my phone (as an addict), I forget in the usual morning grogginess but social media suddenly reminds me its today. The slew of pics and homages hit and I try to take a deep breath because I have to have a conscious day.

Conscious day means no room for mindless consumption. Conscious decision …

When Will This End?

Hi Guys,

Hope everyone is staying safe. It's been...honestly don't know how long it has been...since COVID has been dropped on our heads and I don't know how to honestly say how I am doing.

On the surface, I want to say I am fine but if I dig deeper, I don't know if that is true. My mind is always racing. I am wondering when all this is going to end. If, it is going to end because if we have to be honest, based on all the reports coming out, NOONE knows ANYTHING about this virus. The news changes from day to day on what to look out for. Even surviving seems to come with consequences, as we now hear how survivors are in need of dialysis.

I know people who have lost their jobs, had hours cut, some of us in the job market or being furloughed. All of that comes with a lot of uncertainty. I think about all the businesses shut down and how owners have to decide whether to stay open or shut down with no income coming in. When I take my walks around the neighborhood, I see mor…

Friends With Benefits

Yesterday on twitter, I came across a tweet that read:

"The friendship is the most important part of being FWB tbh. That’s why it’s friends with benefits not benefits with friends. Think about it"

Now, the person was being cheeky but I had responded before I realized that.

So my thoughts on this.

The misleading thing about that title is thinking the person you are getting and giving benefits to is your friend. Now granted, we all define friends differently but once you get into a casual situationship or situation where you are just scratching each others itch then something about the friendship is pushed to the bottom, it's no longer a friendship but now a sexual understanding/arrangement.

It shouldn't be explained but I feel I have to. Whenever opinions are made it is not always fact and does not always apply to every single situation. In this case if this goes on for a long time without evolving to a relationship this is what I am referring to. A FWB situation.

Of al…


If you are reading this can you even believe what is going on right now?

Because I can't.

Every day I wake up and consume news I shouldn't be consuming in such copious amounts and fuel my anxiety. It honestly doesn't feel real to me. It is so surreal to know that we are actually living out something that will be in the history books and it is not a movie or a book.

And to think people aren't taking this seriously.

The way this has been handled by the govt. has been an absolute joke.

We had a headstart. We did nothing. Even now with all the measures being taken and telling us to socially distance ourselves, it all seems so laughable to me because everyday planes are taking off and landing in different countries and the virus continues to spread.

The Mr and I were talking the other day and we were saying how no matter how cautious you are, it just seems impossible to prevent any virus particles 100%. We just have so much interaction with everything. From mail to packages…

Friday Randoms?

Hi Guys! Welcome to my not Youtube channel.

I kid.

I am going to be hella random. How is everyone doing? Is your year going well? Do you feel as hopeful as you did the beginning of the year?

How are we feeling about the democratic party and the debates? I have caught a few and honestly I want to be optimistic but man, I just think he is going to get four more years.

Which do you think America is ready for first - a gay president or a female president?

Till today I will never not be in awe that America voted a black President - twice. Like the first time okay, but in retrospect how did Obama beat McCain that seems to be the epitome of everything America loves.

Obama scares me a bit. Noone is that perfect and his whole story was just easy breezy relatively.

Everyone is crazy about Love is Blind on Netflix. If you don't know about it, welp. Get to know more about it here.

Lent is here again. Once again, I implore people to not low key use it as a diet plan and try to add and improve …

Knock Knock

I have this affliction where I never fully enjoy good moments because I think it's too good to be true and surely something is waiting for me around the corner. This is an affliction because when the shoe actually drops you never know if it was going to be anyways or if it was a self fulfilling prophecy.

All that to say that I pushed past that fear and had me a positive reflective last post for my year in review and 2020 was like "aww you are cute" and here we are at me trying to paddle and keep myself afloat just like old times. I suppose that's what I get for not ringing in the new year in church (but on the flip side of that I got to finally kiss someone at midnight. Can you believe I just never have in my big age? For the most part I have spent a lot of new years on a plane, flying back to America. the rest were either with family praying or in church)

But that doesn't change my resolve. I resolved to practice trusting God and turning all things over to him. …

Year in Review - 2019

I can't believe we have come to the end of the year. The end of the year is such a mixed bag of emotions. I feel hopeful, I feel scared, I feel morbid and I feel resolved to do better with each passing year. I feel hopeful because 365 days is a lot of time for many things to happen, the unexpected good and bad. Scared because of the possible bad lurking around the corner. Morbid because each year is another age marker and one year closer to death (and I don't like this at all, it's scary) and resolved because I think about what I want to do better, how I want to be better and what I will be doing to put this in motion.

My friend asked me what I would rate 2019 out of 10 and I said 7 and if you have been following me, you'll know that's a pretty damn good grade. I have had a pretty rough couple of years and I think I was pretty much just numb by the beginning of 2019. I entered into the year unemployed, squatting at a friend's place. On New Year's day, I wen…

Friday Randoms

Ah. The cold is officially here. I have switched out my closet and put away my summer clothes. Wah. Can you believe we only have a month and some left of the year...actually, the decade! Man, this getting older thing is for the birds. Kinda scary actually. I just want it to slow down. Do y'all have plans for thanksgiving? I have a complicated relationship with Thanksgiving. Its always made me sad and I think it reminds me that I don't have family nearby. I have been fortunate enough to have friends and family extend invitation some years but even then I felt awkward, like I was imposing in someone else's family. I have plans this year though but most of all I am looking forward to the days off to veg out.

Okay let me random.

Why is it taboo to let people know what you earn? I mean I get why it is a rule by employers but even outside of the work place. Is it shame? What if you are a high earner where shame is not applicable? I mean people already kind of infer what others m…