Thursday, July 12, 2012

Needy

I apologize ahead of time for you new generation kids that always think xyz is too long to read. A male friend sent me this article today and you practically have to read it to have an opinion on my post. The summary of the article is how needy is quickly applied to women and has made it more difficult for women to express theirneeds so as to avoid the dreaded "needy" word. There's really much more to it than my summary which is why you have to read it first.

So, I read the article and I agreed with it. Before I continue, I feel like I should have disclaimers because some person is going to come and say "no o, not me" or "it happens to men too". I speak from my pov and as a woman. As I was saying...

"But what about women? Do we, as a society, condition girls and young women to, at the very least, expect their needs to be met? Or are we making them feel guilty or nervous about everything related to the word "need?"


I don't know if you guys have ever attended a bridal shower with nigerian adults in attendance or even just in general. Sometimes, the older women make you feel like your expectations should be so low. "As long as he doesn't beat you and he provides for you. Good men are hard to find". I have heard that on more than one occasion. There's so much talk all the time on what to do to make sure your husband/man is happy. Forget the married part. We are so quick to get labeled emotional/irrational that we tend to be conscious about it and try not to be that way but when it is switched on the other foot it's not as big a deal.

Even women who don't hesitate to ask for what they need in other areas of life don't always hold the men they're in a relationship with as accountable as they should.Diana, a non-profit director in her late 20's, said she has no problem requiring that her needs be met at work,  but it's a different story in her personal relationships: "I still hesitate to leave someone who has not met my needs."


Do you guys remember when I randomed about women not being so expressive to their men when they aren't satisfied in bed? I think this addresses this. You hear women who find it hard to leave a bad relationship because they are willing to "make do" and think they can't do any better. It'll be much easier if they were able to communicate their issues but fear plus not wanting to be needy/pushy will make them want to "work it out". 

"And a woman's hesitation about expressing her needs is a self-perpetuating cycle because, as a culture, we like to take, take, take from women and rarely, if ever, do we ask if they are giving too much away"

I have nothing else to add to this. It is pretty self explanatory.

"But what does this word, "needy," really mean anymore? Are we lumping together a woman's basic needs with the idea of "needy," which so often refers to someone displaying stalker-like behavior?The needy descriptor also seems to be used against women when they are looking for clarification on the status of a romantic relationship"

The all too familiar situation where it's like pulling teeth to ask "What are we doing?". It's always amused me how we leave this decision to the man and it is never really a case of "hey, I like you and I would like to be your girlfriend or I would like to be in a relationship, if that's not what you are looking for let me know". It's almost as if we are asking permission or something. Again, not to be needy, you'll hear a lot of "I am not trying to pressure him". It's all quite silly really. We do have some modicum of power but we choose to give on our knees all the power to men.

But why isn't the word "needy" ever really used against men? In my mind, it goes back to the start of this column: Men are conditioned to expect their needs to be met.

Need I say more?

"The word needy has been transformed into a slur, an insult we use to delegitimize women's needs and concerns, making them think twice before asking for what they need -- if they ask at all"

I have said it before men and women we communicate oh so very differently. Like OH SO VERY DIFFERENTLY. Even with my guy friends it is so frustrating talkess of someone you are in a relationship with. I'll give an example - there are so many times where a male friend of mine has said something either I didn't like/found disrespectful/disagreed with. I have no problems expressing that to me but because I don't agree they automatically assume I am offended or over reacting and it becomes "sorry o", "calm down" "geez, why are you taking it personal" which then makes me annoyed because I wasn't annoyed in the first place, just expressing my stance, you say ok i have heard and we can move on. If I am placed in that situation again, wouldn't I think twice before talking and wonder if it is worth it. It is a frustrating thing to not be heard. I always say it would be easier if men didn't look at us as all one people and learn our individual likes/dislikes. On our part, we could give it a chance and try expressing in a calm, rational way without being defensive or expecting to not be heard.

 "The masculine shell so many men obsessively keep up in public is often shed when they're alone with their romantic partners at night"

Gbam! Please note the  "obsessively keep up.."

And when are we going to realize and acknowledge that men are just as needy as women, and some would argue, even more so?

Who the heck knows? Once again, this does not apply to every single person. I do believe that it is a man's world that we live in but all in all everything boils down to the individual or in some cases the couple. I do think, we as women have slaaaacked major in recent times and have made it easier to put ourselves in unsatisfactory situations. What do you guys think? I'd like to hear your opinion on this especially the fellas. Have a wonderful weekend and stay blessed!




PS from the depths of my heart. I hate the new blogger.

Monday, July 9, 2012

My Immortal

I heart this song and the tone reflected my mood this morning.


Have a great week.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Questions and Answers

So I stole this from Looking Glass of an Immigrant blog. I liked the questions she was asked and figured I'd tell you folks a lil bit about myself.

1. A world without laughter or music? This is so super hard but I'd have to say a world without laughter.

2. What did you never taste, assumed you won't like but eventually did? Apple sauce

3. If you won $20,000 tonight what would you do with it? pay of some debt, save and splurge

4. Who/What made you start blogging? I thought I would be the next Diablo Cody. If you don't know the name, she is the writer of Juno. She used to be a stripper and write a blog. She got discovered, wrote a book and a screenplay, won an oscar and eventually got handpicked by Steven Spielberg to write United States of Tara. I adored her for the longest time till she became a mommy and kinda chilled. I didn't want to write a screenplay but I thought I'd get discovered by someone at Entertainment Weekly and get offered a job there to write about all the pop culture junk cluttered in my brain. 5yrs later I am still here doing sporadic friday randoms. Go figure.

5. What's the first mobile phone you had? Some cute blue motorola flip phone.

6.What's your idea of the perfect date? One that's easy. Easy being, even if we don't have that romantic connection it's not awkward. good flow, good convo and a good time.

7. What's the craziest thing you've done this year? I can't think of anything but there has to be something. I do crazy things all the time unless old age is catching up? I still have time sha.

8. What 2 quotes word of wisdom have made the greatest impact in your life? "Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice" I read this somewhere a long time ago. The second is quite recent so I won't say it has been an impact yet but I am a worrier and I am currently on a quest to just breathe and take things as they come so this struck me when 50Cents said this in his Oprah interview "You can either pray or worry. Don't do both".

9. Fame or Fortune? ie broke celeb or rich and you are? I don't quite get the question but I'll say Fortune

10. What's your love language? So I had to go look this up because I didn't know what they were. Reading through the summary I decided it was "Receiving Gifts". I decided to go ahead and take the assessment anyways and whaddya know it was "Receiving Gifts". Anyone who knows me can testify that I am not materialistic, so it isn't about that. I think I place so much emphasis on gifts mainly because to me it's the thought especially when it's unexpected and no special occasion. For someone to go out their way, know what you would like and think of you is pretty nice. I wasn't "given" stuff a lot growing up, most of what I had I got myself so I'm usually still surprised when people go out their way to get me gifts. In the same vein, I LOVE giving gifts and I give the best gifts if I may say so myself.

11. If fruits described us what would you be? I'd be an orange because you never know what you would get. I could be sweet or I could be sour :)

ROUND 2

1. Do you love yourself inside out, outside in? Heh. Work in progress. Momma just gave me yet another talk the other day to stop being so hard on myself and give myself some credit. I get this speech from a number of friends. One day.

2. What things do you do for yourself that enriches and nourishes your being? Work out, reading my devotional (especially if it's Word among us), listening, searching and finding music.

3. How do you hold yourself accountable for your poor decisions? Beat myself up to death about it

4. Are you able to forgive yourself the humanness and move forward without beating yourself up and getting stuck in the what should have been, if only I had? see above. I eventually get over it.

5. How do you celebrate you, your uniqueness and authenticity? By embracing it

6. How do you stay motivated, hopeful and faithful to you, your thoughts beliefs and ideals? That's truly tough to answer. Not to be a downer or nothing but life(in general) is not easy to navigate. I've been knocked down way too many times in life that sometimes it feels like a movie/surreal. My friends are really great and help in keeping motivated. Their hope and belief in me even though I snort at them actually helps. My mom is a huge factor too.

7. If you were your own parent what would be the one thing you would teach yourself? Never stop learning. You don't know everything. You think you know but you have no idea. Open your mind to learning. Also, always take time to self reflect. You can always be a better person.

8. If you are doing what you wished you learned earlier, how do you plan to pass the lessons on to another person who may be stuck where you were? Besides telling them? I think with time you learn from your experiences.

9. Are you being true to your inner self or are you busy pleasing everyone else? Being true

10. Are you happy? In the general sense, no. On the surface, yea tomorrow is a holiday and no work.

11. How do you define happiness? Happiness is being content with what you have.

Well that's all folks! How'd I do? I wasn't coded this time, right? hehe. Well, if you have any other questions you'd like me to answer feel free to email or mention in the comment box and I will answer to the best of my ability.

Have a wonderful 4th of July and as always Be Safe!!!!

How wonderful is the concept to this video (groupie bias aside?)