Thursday, July 12, 2012

Needy

I apologize ahead of time for you new generation kids that always think xyz is too long to read. A male friend sent me this article today and you practically have to read it to have an opinion on my post. The summary of the article is how needy is quickly applied to women and has made it more difficult for women to express theirneeds so as to avoid the dreaded "needy" word. There's really much more to it than my summary which is why you have to read it first.

So, I read the article and I agreed with it. Before I continue, I feel like I should have disclaimers because some person is going to come and say "no o, not me" or "it happens to men too". I speak from my pov and as a woman. As I was saying...

"But what about women? Do we, as a society, condition girls and young women to, at the very least, expect their needs to be met? Or are we making them feel guilty or nervous about everything related to the word "need?"


I don't know if you guys have ever attended a bridal shower with nigerian adults in attendance or even just in general. Sometimes, the older women make you feel like your expectations should be so low. "As long as he doesn't beat you and he provides for you. Good men are hard to find". I have heard that on more than one occasion. There's so much talk all the time on what to do to make sure your husband/man is happy. Forget the married part. We are so quick to get labeled emotional/irrational that we tend to be conscious about it and try not to be that way but when it is switched on the other foot it's not as big a deal.

Even women who don't hesitate to ask for what they need in other areas of life don't always hold the men they're in a relationship with as accountable as they should.Diana, a non-profit director in her late 20's, said she has no problem requiring that her needs be met at work,  but it's a different story in her personal relationships: "I still hesitate to leave someone who has not met my needs."


Do you guys remember when I randomed about women not being so expressive to their men when they aren't satisfied in bed? I think this addresses this. You hear women who find it hard to leave a bad relationship because they are willing to "make do" and think they can't do any better. It'll be much easier if they were able to communicate their issues but fear plus not wanting to be needy/pushy will make them want to "work it out". 

"And a woman's hesitation about expressing her needs is a self-perpetuating cycle because, as a culture, we like to take, take, take from women and rarely, if ever, do we ask if they are giving too much away"

I have nothing else to add to this. It is pretty self explanatory.

"But what does this word, "needy," really mean anymore? Are we lumping together a woman's basic needs with the idea of "needy," which so often refers to someone displaying stalker-like behavior?The needy descriptor also seems to be used against women when they are looking for clarification on the status of a romantic relationship"

The all too familiar situation where it's like pulling teeth to ask "What are we doing?". It's always amused me how we leave this decision to the man and it is never really a case of "hey, I like you and I would like to be your girlfriend or I would like to be in a relationship, if that's not what you are looking for let me know". It's almost as if we are asking permission or something. Again, not to be needy, you'll hear a lot of "I am not trying to pressure him". It's all quite silly really. We do have some modicum of power but we choose to give on our knees all the power to men.

But why isn't the word "needy" ever really used against men? In my mind, it goes back to the start of this column: Men are conditioned to expect their needs to be met.

Need I say more?

"The word needy has been transformed into a slur, an insult we use to delegitimize women's needs and concerns, making them think twice before asking for what they need -- if they ask at all"

I have said it before men and women we communicate oh so very differently. Like OH SO VERY DIFFERENTLY. Even with my guy friends it is so frustrating talkess of someone you are in a relationship with. I'll give an example - there are so many times where a male friend of mine has said something either I didn't like/found disrespectful/disagreed with. I have no problems expressing that to me but because I don't agree they automatically assume I am offended or over reacting and it becomes "sorry o", "calm down" "geez, why are you taking it personal" which then makes me annoyed because I wasn't annoyed in the first place, just expressing my stance, you say ok i have heard and we can move on. If I am placed in that situation again, wouldn't I think twice before talking and wonder if it is worth it. It is a frustrating thing to not be heard. I always say it would be easier if men didn't look at us as all one people and learn our individual likes/dislikes. On our part, we could give it a chance and try expressing in a calm, rational way without being defensive or expecting to not be heard.

 "The masculine shell so many men obsessively keep up in public is often shed when they're alone with their romantic partners at night"

Gbam! Please note the  "obsessively keep up.."

And when are we going to realize and acknowledge that men are just as needy as women, and some would argue, even more so?

Who the heck knows? Once again, this does not apply to every single person. I do believe that it is a man's world that we live in but all in all everything boils down to the individual or in some cases the couple. I do think, we as women have slaaaacked major in recent times and have made it easier to put ourselves in unsatisfactory situations. What do you guys think? I'd like to hear your opinion on this especially the fellas. Have a wonderful weekend and stay blessed!




PS from the depths of my heart. I hate the new blogger.

1 comment:

Mz.T said...

Why do you hate the new blogger?