It's been a rough couple of months since I lost my mom. Sometimes, I look at myself and wonder how I am functioning. If you had ever told me how I would be if I ever lost my mom I would have told you I would have lost it, but here we are. Grief is a very strange thing. It's also a very confusing thing. You are full of questions but have no answers and won't get any because they are gone. It brings many different emotions that hit you at the weirdest times.
Every little thing reminds me of my mom and I can think of a memory to attach to it. It's an odd thing continuing and acting like life goes on when your world has stopped. Sometimes, I feel like a crazy person. After the funeral it was much worse. I felt so lost (I still do). I felt like I was walking around with a gaping hole. I was so confused and I didn't know what the purpose of life or God was. I couldn't pray. I tried reading the bible but everytime I read something that alluded to God protects his own or is always there, I'd shut down cuz all my mind told me was "LIES!!!".I felt like God abandoned me.
I found that people don't know what to say. I also found that as much empathy one may have, if they haven't lost a parent they didn't understand. You hear so many things - some insensitive, some that made me wonder "did they just say that?" and you have to understand they don't understand. I turned to friends, especially those who had lost a parent(or both), they understood me more and I was so desperate to find out how they survived this "trauma"(that's what I call it) because it just looked so bleak to me.
The funny part was as mad as I was at God, I had no other better solution. I somehow found my way back to prayer and I have to say it helped some. As I am talking to God and telling him to for once listen to me, I am also telling him I don't even know why I am praying to him but somehow I always end up having that need to pray (contradictory, right?). A friend of mine took it upon herself and gave me a stern, long talking to and it stuck. She explained her emotions when she lost her dad, how she still felt his presence, she called and prayed with me and for me, gave me perspective , listened to me whenever my anxiety crept up (which is often, i tell ya) and she got me a journal to write in because she said writing helps.
I think I am doing better now but I know I will never be the same. I am taking each day as it comes and it takes a conscious effort to get through each day with that ache. Thinking of the things I will never share with my mom again. I am not rushing myself or giving myself a time frame, I am allowing myself to grieve and mourn my mom. I don't know how long it will take but I am also just trying to have a better mindset of life. Life is indeed short. I still am not able to go to church ( I went once and it overwhelmed me, it felt like being in a building that betrayed me). So, I stick to mediating with God at home till I am ready.
I hope I continue to get better with each passing day and I intend to make my mom proud by bettering myself overall. Yesterday a friend of mine sent me this Irish prayer and I think it fits with where I want my mindset to be:
May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow
For every tear, a smile
For every care, a promise
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song
And an answer for each prayer.
Have a lovely weekend. Stay prayed up and be safe.