Yesterday my TV was on WEtv and "Stepmom" happened to be playing. I hate watching movies on TV so it was more background noise as I read a book. I did however catch a scene where the mom, dying of cancer has an honest talk with her children about when she is gone and leaving an it inspired my blog post.
See, when my mom passed part of my anger and sadness was the fact that we never "said goodbye" so to speak. Never asked all the questions I had, had all the discussions or the advice one gets when you think you will be losing someone. As I have randomed before, I don't think I expected my mom to die - which in retrospect is something seeing as all the signs were there and the doctors kept trying to tell us in the best way possible that there was nothing else that could be done.
Which brings me to blind faith. I had a serious crisis of faith after my mom passed. It was like being hit and being shaken off my axis. It has been an intense struggle and one I am still struggling with and nothing seems to be helping. Watching that scene, just made me wonder whether faith helps or hurts. If I didn't feed into the typical Nigerian faith would it have been different, would I have made peace and feel better now.
I think about how every time all the signs would point to "not good at all", my first thought would be to chastise myself for not standing strong in my faith and believing that she would be cured vs. facing the realities of what was happening. My aunty and some other Nigerian people who I reached out to for prayers, scolding me when I tried to vent and saying stop thinking like that, just believe! and now I am kicking myself.
How do you separate faith from blind faith. I just heard a story of a couple that have been trying to have a kid for years. Due to health issues, she had to resort to IVF. 4 tries and it didn't work. Doctors said she had a less than 5% chance of getting pregnant and leaning towards giving up. She didn't and had faith and now she's pregnant. When do you know when to keep on trying and believing and when to give up, face realities and make allowances to prepare and adjust.
Faith requires suspending all logic and trusting completely in God. But as we don't know his overall plans or what is happening here , how do you forge ahead. I understand how it gives hope and helps one deal but I also see how it hurts especially being Nigerian. Every thing is seen as demonic, people with mental issues are not being helped because God will take care of it, things aren't being frankly discussed because you are thinking negative and you have to believe and think positive. When does faith become blinding.