Untangling Trauma Bonds

I'd been having some thoughts in my head lately and in my brain, they connected so I thought I'd write about it but now that I am, I am hoping that it makes sense. I feel I have to remind you guys that I am a serious person. I can have a good time but I am self aware enough to know that I am a serious person who could do with some chill, sometimes. 

I don't know if I consider it a flaw or not, I guess it can be because it's probably what contributes to my anxiety and always overthinking stuff. But on the flip, it's a plus for me, in that it helps in my self introspection/evaluation with my life goal of living an intentional life. I have always been fascinated by the human psyche so I tend to never take things at surface level. I always want to know the why or the layers that led to something because as complex as life is, there is always a pattern that pieces everything together so to me it's like a psyche jigsaw puzzle.

I quietly got married some time ago and as anyone in a long term relationship knows, nothing strips you of everything and holds a mirror to you, like it. I've been forced to face some things about myself and also forced to view life differently through his lens. This has led me in the last few months to read more on trauma bonds. I think I vaguely knew what it was but never really delved into it. Mgbeks introduced me to this account on Instagram - The Holistic Psychologist and her specialty is trauma bonds. Reading up, following up and working on myself helped me identify that I had abandonment issues and a codependent. I was falling into the pattern of trying to make my husband be my everything instead of flourishing as my own individual first but I won't bore you :D

You have probably read the saying that the most important decision you would make in your life is who you choose to marry. For me, I have mentioned before on this blog how my heart can heal from a shitty husband and he can be temporary but a father is permanent and I want someone who would be a great to my kids. This is all part of my thought process as I think about bringing kids into this world (and also wondering why I want such seeing as the world is terrifying). I don't want to repeat the cycle of the relationship I have with my father. I have also mentioned on here how its inevitable that we will fuck up our kids but our job is to make sure we don't fuck it up to the point where its irreparable. 

Yesterday, I was watching Marriage Boot Camp and one participant who keeps cheating on his wife was told - "Your daughters will live the life you give your wife". It is so crazy to me how that saying of how your father/mother is your first love and how you end up dating your parents. Reading on trauma bonds helped me see how subconsciously we absorb our parents energy and the trauma (trauma sounds so heavy but it just simply means the unhealthy things we pick up from them) and manifest it in our lives (see why I find it fascinating?) This definitely was the case for me and I had a whole ass goal of not wanting to be like my mama in certain ways and still ended up in a situ like hers!! 

Just like with everything else in life, unlearning is hard but I'd really like to minimize the shit my children will have to deal with because life is hard enough as it is, so I hope I am able to sort through my shit. Yesterday on twitter a question was asked "What is the cost of being your true honest self? Not a version of, but your most true self" and I had to sit with that question because the truth of the matter is that we are not always at our true self. Even if it's simply playing the good black girl part at work so you are not stereotyped. The answers were fascinating and for most they lost pretty important people in their lives just so they could be authentic. I don't know why that question really stopped me in my tracks but as much as I want to think that I am authentic, it still made me pause and think (see, I told you I am too serious) about where I could fix up instead of just talking the talk.

I think that's all the jumbled thoughts I had in my head, I apologize if it didn't make sense but if it did I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Hope everyone has a great week!