Happy Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.

Mother's Day always comes with a myriad of emotions for me ever since I lost my mom. Somehow, some way it has been 5 years since I lost her and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. It's a lingering, never going anywhere hole but often times it hits harder at its own convenience and Mother's Day is one of them.

I saw a quote from Prince Harry that said it best "Missing a mother is like missing some sort of security.You need that as a son and it falls away when you lose your mother. But everything I do reminds me of her"

Like with some of the other big dates, I begin to feel the sinking feeling like a week before. On the day of when I reach for my phone (as an addict), I forget in the usual morning grogginess but social media suddenly reminds me its today. The slew of pics and homages hit and I try to take a deep breath because I have to have a conscious day.

Conscious day means no room for mindless consumption. Conscious decision might involve staying off SM as much as possible, filter things that might be triggers, find distractions, try not to wallow/spiral, do things that make you happy.

No year has been the same in terms of how I feel. Yesterday was a confusing one. I don't even think I know if I can describe how I felt because it was like an on/off switch. One moment I truly think I am okay and the next, I feel sad that my mom will never see my big moments. Also as I get older, I also have the thoughts of whether motherhood will be in the picture for me (look up geriatric pregnancy lol), so it was a complicated feeling of not having a mom and wondering if you'll be a mom.

I've said it before that no matter the empathy explaining the loss of a mom is the hardest thing when it has not been experienced so sometimes it can be isolating. Not really knowing how to express your thoughts and how you are feeling while trying not to make anyone uncomfortable. I have a friend who we don't speak often at all and a friend who I speak to often. Every mother's day they always send me a message and I appreciate it a lot.

Needless to say it can be an exhausting day emotionally because of the managing of many emotions because in all this, on the outside I am seemingly okay (it's complicated, I know). As I type this, I am watching the MJ documentary - The Last Dance and it is a scene where three years after his dad's death, he played a championship game on Father's Day. It was his first win without his dad here and he throws himself on the floor and bawls. The man played a whole championship game and won it but was emotionally wrecked. That is the closest example I can give.

I do hope as time passes by I learn to manage my grief and the big dates better (lashing out and picking a fight with the mr. is a sign I could do better). Coincidentally, I came across this post by Modern Cedar that talks about how life goes on even in your lowest days so I might as well find the healthiest way.

To all the Mothers, hope you had a wonderful day and hope you felt appreciated. Be sure to appreciate your moms/parents. Take lots of pictures and videos and keep voicemails and emails and all. Have a great week ahead and hope you all are still staying safe!!!