Staying Faithful

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have probably heard about the whole Arnold Schwarzeneggar fiasco. The fiasco being that he separated from his wife of 25 years after he confessed to her that he fathered a child 10yrs ago outside their marriage. Allegedly, this child was born 5 days after their youngest child. Everyone has had their opinion on the matter, today someone said Arnold is not the first or last man to cheat (with the help), so everyone should calm down and give him a break. While this is true, this just shows how the attitude people are having now towards cheating but it had me remembering an article a friend had directed me to some time back.

See, I have said it before Marriage is not beans, being with the same person for an average of say 30 years? You're practically going to do everything you can imagine with that person. For example, I have a friend who has been married 8yrs and every occasion, he asks me what to get his wifey because he has exhausted almost all his resources between mother's day/bday/valentine's/just because etc. It's all well and dandy the first few years, as time goes on, temptation arises, yes when you choose to get married it is your job to avoid temptation as much as you can and not cheat on your partner at least that's what I believe. Does shit happen? yes it does. I guess that will be for the couple to decide what direction to take from there.

The article was an interview with the director of a movie called "Monogamy". He touched on a few points that I'd like to share with you guys.

When asked about his basis for the characters in his movie he said:

I was interested in the question of, when do you fuse your identity versus lose your identity when you're in a couple? When does someone enhance who you are as opposed to suppress you? Also, they have this lived-in chemistry that can only come from living together and being together for years, but they're not all over each other. There's chemistry, but it's not carnal anymore, which is what can happen after you've been with someone for a long time. I think a lot of couples become best friends, and that's great. But if you lose the sex part, you're in trouble.

To what extent does sex drive the drama forward?

I think Theo's central crisis is that I don’t think his fear is that ‘I’m never gonna be able to have sex with another girl again [if I get married].’ His fear is that ‘I’m worried that I’m gonna be a bad husband. I’m worried that I’m gonna cheat. I’m worried that I’m gonna be like this guy who [he has been hired to spy on who he thinks] is cheating on his wife in an alley.’ When he’s looking at [the man] in the alley, he’s not turned on, necessarily, he’s almost outraged morally. He’s like, ‘I might end up in an alley with a prostitute if I marry [Nat], because she doesn’t wanna have sex with me. Can I do this? I’m worried about becoming someone I don’t wanna be.'

The one thing--really, the only thing--that Theo can say when they're breaking up at the end of the film is, 'I love you.' It seems like everything else has broken down, communication-wise. Is that one thing you saw from your interviews, that love is not enough?

Yeah, it's those three words in movies or novels, and you grow up saying 'when's the first time I'm gonna say 'I love you' to someone?' It is this huge phrase that means everything. And then you realize there are many different kinds of love. And it evolves over the course of a relationship. But I don't think it's enough. You can love someone but find him or her incompatible to live with. You can love someone but not be attracted to him or her physically.

You've interviewed dozens of divorcees about their experiences, so you're something of an expert. Do you think adultery is the biggest challenge couples face today?

I think there's more possibility out there. Of the twenty percent of all marriages that end in adultery, the adultery started on Facebook. It's a lot easier to have an affair now, but it's also a lot easier to get caught. Like with Don Draper, you watch it and he's having tons of affairs, and it's just like, he's calling on a rotary phone. There's no answering machine. There's no paper trail, there's no text that someone can look at when you're sleeping. You look at Tiger Woods or Eliot Spitzer, or a guy who sent a picture of his dick or whatever, there are bread crumbs everywhere. It's very easy to trace back. At the same time, it's made it very easy to maintain this kind of extra-marital relationship.

What are some of the more memorable nuggets that emerged from your research that intact couples can learn from?

Learn how to fight fairly and productively. Be yourself in the courtship phase; don't present too idealized version of yourself, because unless you're prepared to uphold that lie for the rest of your life, [your partner is] gonna find out.


There's nothing more to say but he gave some food for thought in some of his answers. I'll definitely be watching the movie whenever it comes out. What say ye peoples, what do you think?


*Interview excerpts from HuffingtonPost website.