Cancer just doesn't eat away at the insides of a person. It just burns a hole through any and everyone around it.
The other side of cancer that isn't discussed is how it affects the loved ones of the person who has the cancer. You can't really complain because ultimately it is seen as a better situation than the person who actually has the cancer.
It's a terrible feeling watching someone you love suffer and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Everyday you try and be there for the person, you try to encourage and be kind and just transfer all the love you have for them, secretly hoping all your goodwill will cure them and make them better even though you know it's not possible. You say these things but the thing about cancer is you never know the outcome. It does as it pleases.
You are racked with guilt because no matter how much you do, it never seems enough. Doctor to Doctor, treatment to treatment everything costs money so there's that - the financial cost of it all.
You don't have the relationship you once had. You can't laugh, joke or seek advice or share personal worries and fears because everything becomes about the cancer. Survival is the main goal. You aren't there to add to their worries but to make them feel better.
When you are (what feels like) a million miles away, everything is magnified. Every missed phone call, every doctor visit, waiting for a prognosis. When you speak on the phone and you can hear your loved one trying to put on a brave face. Everything just weighs on you. It's like you have a permanent knot in your stomach.
Again, not a damn thing you can do. No magic wand to wave it all away.
There are good days and bad days (Although right now, I can't think of the good days). Today was just one of the bad days.