Thursday, April 14, 2016

3 Theories and a Question

Last week or maybe 2 weeks ago, I had 3 different conversations with 3 different guy friends of mine that had me going hmm and because I love hearing your thoughts and opinions, I figured I'd bring it on down here and see what you think.


My friend believes that a person who is messing with someone in a relationship has nothing to feel guilty about. He believes the onus is on the person who agreed to a monogamous relationship or said vows. He says the person technically isn't cheating on anyone. The taken person is the one taking actions that affects their relationship.


My friend beleives that statistically more agreeable people are off the market and go off the market fast. I tried to give the examples of how some people who gave ultimatums and didn't have the best attitudes were off the market and he said it proves his point because it means they ended up with an agreeable person. An unagreeable person would probably be like "ain't nobody got time for that" but an agreeable person decides to tolerate. He says how do you think fucked up people get off the market. because they marry saints (which made me think of Jamie and Doug from Married at First Sight).

He says these people pair off and you are left with the people who are set in their ways, people who still haven't sorted out their issues and once you are over 30 and dating you begin to see this more clearly. He says women bear the brunt of this more because men can avoid this issue and just marry a young girl.

(The original convo was about how much more difficult it is to date after a certain age and the pool you are left with)


I asked my friend if he believed in love. He said he did but the caveat is that he thinks it has an expiration date. He says he beleives at the beginning of a relationship there is love and all the mushy stuff and as life intervenes and couples settle in it becomes more about the life you have together. You get used to the routine and the comfort of having a person who knows the routines and you and you don't even realise when the transition happens. He says so much is invested at that time and it's not like you are unhappy so it is really more of a hassle to leave than to stay in a comfortable situation.

Now, these are 3 theories I have never really seen from this view point, so my initial reaction to all of them was to disagree but

Theory 1 - I dunno I think there should be guilt involved but technically it is true that the person isn't cheating on anyone and they aren't breaking up a home, the person who decided to step out already broke that home

Theory 2 - I don't know if I viewed this objectively because I am in the over 30 demographic, so my first reaction is to be defensive because that will have to admit to not being "agreeable" to some degree but thinking about it later, I see where he is coming from.

Theory 3 - I can see this too especially because the one thing I have heard from a lot of people is how kids change everything and the realities of life. Where I get jumbled is if you are comfortable and not unhappy for the most part, what's the big deal then. Then I remember I didn't ask about happiness but about love. I always say love is not enough to sustain a relationship which implies a relationship can continue without the giddy love. Tina Turner told us a while ago anyways "what's love gotta do with it"

ps love means in love-giddy love. the basic i care about you love still remains between the couple

I would REALLY LOVE to hear what you guys think about these three theories. Have a lovely weekend and stay blessed.


yujubee said...

Theory 1
I think there should be guilt. It says a lot about you too wanting to be be with some one who is lying to another person. Would you want that to be you?
Theory 2.
Very much believe this.I look back at some things that younger me has done and I'm thinking what was I thinking, but I know that if I didn't take those risk I wouldn't have had some experiences. Older me? Lai lai, I cannot be bothered for a whole lot of bs, like if it's too much trouble / inconvenience, I wouldn't bother. I see that with a lot of my single friends.somethings I know we would easily give into before, they like nah, not worth it, I get so much accomplished for yourself at that age it's hard to begin to allow your life to be dictated by hinging yourself to someone else. It has to be totally worth it.
Theory 3
This love matter. I don't even understand how people expect butterflies in the stomach kinda love in marriage everyday.
Like that is what sustains marriage. I like the analogy that marriage is like a garden, well tended it's beautiful, leave it and weeds will overthrow your beautiful garden. You have to understand that both parties have to put effort in making it spicy and bubby continuously.
Ypu should be comfortable and happy. Life will throw things at you but if both parties have made up their mind to be happy, you work through those times. They will be misunderstanding and all that but at the end of the day you know you have to fix it.that is where 1 corinthians 13 love comes in. Forget kids and all the other things.

TheRustGeek said...

This TED talk covers the (evolutionary) biology of love.. I think the person who doesn't feel guilt in Theory One has rationalised the situation so much to themselves that they're beginning to believe the half truth.. Having said that, I agree in principle that the person in a committed relationship is erring more (not sure degrees of guilt matter here to be honest but the consequences, and range of affected persons of the actions are certainly greater in the case of the person in the committed relationship...)

Theory 2 sounds true in theory.. But then it doesn't account for the fact that the longer one stays single, the more likely one gets entrenched in their ways and hence less agreeable by the definition here, ie agreeableness isnt a fixed quality, it is fluid... Or maybe I'm just needlessly complicating it.. :)

LadyNgo said...

Theory 1- Whether or not you feel guilty is a matter of your conscience and what you're hoping to achieve with the relationship. Its still wrong though.

Theory 2- I think it kinda goes both ways. Agreeable people probably initially get taken off the market more quickly because who doesn't like a "yes man"? LOL. But I think conflict to a certain degree is necessary part of a growing/developing relationship so eventually if your partner is just in agreement with everything you want, you may end up not liking it as much as you thought.

Theory 3- For the most part i agree with your friend. What i think happens more as we get comfortable and fall in step with our partner in the long-term is that the "love" becomes more of a subconscious part of the relationship as opposed to in the beginning when those fuzzy feelings are all you really have. The only reason it has an expiration date is because we make it so. Life gets in the way and we stop doing and acknowledging the things that made us giddy in the beginning.

Berry Dakara said...

Can I comment on only one?

Theory 1 - There's guilt, simple and short. You can rationalize it however you want, but at the end of the day, there's guilt.

Anonymous said...

With theory 1 its definitely cheating unless the non committed person entered into the relationship without knowing that the other is already committed. Once you get to know continuing with it means you are knowingly cheating whether or not your conscience tells you otherwise.

With theory two I agree with it to some extent. A less agreeable person stays single the more they don't meet an agreeable person. Relationships are about compromise so if you don't want to compromise and you don't find an agreeable person then you continue to be in the market. And after a while all the people with the qualities you want who are agreeable would have been gone leaving you dry.

With theory three giddy love has an expiry date but basic love still remains as someone will call it unconscious love. If thats not there then there wasn't love in the first place but rather lust interpreted as love. Once you live with someone over a long time you are almost like a brother and sister just that there is still sexual chemistry.

AuralAdultery said...

Theory 1: I can kinda go along with the guilt angle if it's a marriage, but in just a relationship there's zero guilt. The single person didn't commit to anyone.

Theory 3: The infatuation faces, but love evolves. 10 years in, it's no longer the mushy "I can't feel my face when I'm with you" type stuvvs. It's way more steady and deeper in way more than an I care about you type way. It still has to be worked at tho.

Diyani said...

Well, disregarding the influence of our "culture" and religion on rights and wrongs and the assumption that one "SHOULD" feel guilt about certain things just because...

I agree with all 3 theories.
1. I see no reason why the non-committed person should feel guilty, of what exactly? Cheating ... on whom? The committed party has that emotion to deal with. No rationalization needed from non-committed one
2. Yes, completely agree. Initiatlly I was going to disagree but after some thought... Yes, yes, yes - there is ALWAYS one agreeable party, male or female. He/she may struggle at first but usually succumbs. It is always smart to know which one you are too, helps manage the whole thing better
3. Agreed. Love and giddy factor are all nice and all but so much more take over. The giddy stuff is exciting and what not, the movies also keep selling ridiculous ideals and we buy it. So much more is required for happiness and sometimes redefinition is one of those.

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Mz.T said...

Theory 1 - I think there should be guilt on both sides. Yes, one person is erring more, but you can't say their the only ones breaking up a home. They're not having sex with themselves, unless they lied to the other person and presented themselves as being single.

Theory 2 - No real thought on this really.

Theory 3 - I don't think people actually understand what love is, or what it should be really. Heard this great sermon a while back by Adrian Rogers, and he talks about how that "butterflies in my belly" feeling is lust, not love. If you think about God's command that a man loves his wife as Christ loves the church, then it's safe to then assume that love is a choice and not an emotion. Becuase you can't command an emotion. That's the basic summary. But it makes sense to me. So, I guess I don't think love has an exipration date, I just think people stop making the conscious choice to love.

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