Friday marked one year since my mom passed away. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel but I took the day off from work and decided to stay home. I had booked a mass for her and went to church in the morning. My brother had gone to her grave side and had tried calling while he was there but I never take my phone to church and had missed his calls. I was relatively fine and thought I had got it out of my system the night before because for some reason that was when it hit me and I had cried some. Later in the afternoon, I got really restless and decided to take a drive. somewhere on my way home, I had a real flood of emotions and just began sobbing as I sang along to the songs on my ipod.
I thought a lot about the last year and how it has been and the #1 thing is how it still feels so surreal and I really can't believe she is not here. When she first passed, I was told a lot that it got better but I don't know how long it takes because that vacuum in my soul still feels bigger than ever and it still hurts so badly.
I gotta say, grief is such a weird emotion. It's such a unique journey in that it is yours and noone has the same story as you do. Even with my brother, while he understands like no other his grieving is completely different from mine. I thought a lot about the past year and how it's been. No matter how many people told me I was strong, it didn't feel that way to me because it was hard. I was struggling to just keep my head above water.
I think the biggest thing I noticed was I became more...I don't know the word...maybe sensitive? For example, in all the seasons I have been watching Grey's Anatomy I used to laugh at people that said they cried but now I find myself tearing up. Even in real life, when a coworker was diagnosed with cancer I found it so hard to be in her presence, I think at one point she was talking to people and I started crying. I also never noticed how many cancer research/hospital ads they were. They trigger my anxiety so bad and make me uncomfortable.
Oh yea, that's another thing. I just randomly burst out crying at the most random places and times which can be embarrassing when people don't know what is going on. Sometimes I know why, it could be the sight of a mom and daughter. I remember going to a friend's wedding and the bride's mom was filled with so much joy and was dancing and that just sent me into a tizzy and ran me into the bathroom sobbing. It could be the mere reading of a tweet like "my mom is my world" or "she's the best" or someone just saying something casually about their mom. Basically, I feel everything much more which in itself is just stressful.
It's been a year and I am still struggling to have memories of my mom pre-cancer. Everytime I think of her all I see is her during the cancer and how this fuck of a disease just rendered her to nothing and the pain and suffering and it gets me all mad and sad at the same time. I want to remember the good times, hell even when she yelled at me but for some reason that doesn't happen. Even the few times I have dreamt of her, it was in the sickly state which again adds to my unease. I prayed about it for some time but I must confess I haven't in some time but it will really be great if I can push past the awful memory. For some reason the night times are the hardest especially during my night prayers.
I didn't mean to make this all dreary but I think I just needed to let this out somehow before my brain explodes from too much thinking. Someone sent me a message saying they hoped my mom's legacy and light would live on through me and my brother and I say Amen to that. It's easy to dwell on the negative and I remember talking to my brother over christmas and he said how this happens to a lot of people, it's just happened to us now so we feel it's unfair but somehow we have to deal. My brother takes solace in the fact that he knows my mom is in Heaven and not in any pain. I think because I struggle with what happens in the after life it doesn't give me as much peace as it does him.
Sometimes, when I feel envy or anger when I see older people that still have their moms (when I am in my "moods" I always say "She had a good 20 more years to give") I am reminded that some people never had their moms or lost them much younger and I had the privilege of having her longer (to be honest it doesn't make me feel better). I am still learning or trying to manage my emotions but they just get overwhelming sometimes and I give myself permission to allow myself to feel. It's sometimes hard to talk about or share because I sometimes think I am making people feel uncomfortable and they are in a helpless position.
Okay I will wrap this up. Here's to my mom. Cheers to the amazing, strong woman who made me the woman I am today. Here's to the love and support she gave me all the time. The sacrifices she made and the lessons she instilled. You will never be forgotten and always be loved. I am so proud to be your daughter and hope to always make you proud. Continue to rest in peace momma.
I apologize if this post is too heavy. I promise to be back to regularly scheduled programming soon. Have a lovely weekend!