Being a human being is so tough. Navigating relationships, trying to be kind, trying to be a better person. I wake up every day trying and hoping to be a better person but I feel I fall short more often than not. Every time people hear some part of my life story, I get a "you're so strong" and I get so uncomfortable because I don't think I am at all.
You know how people say tough situations and things that happen in life shouldn't consume you and you should rise above it and think positive and hope for better days yada yada. I am not one of those people. I will admittedly say that I am one of those people who has let life experiences consume me and I am not quite sure how to get out of that hole. I have a lot of trepidation, not a lot of hope and a (un)healthy dose of skepticism. What's so strong about that?
I am also not one of those people who state their flaws with pride and thinks this is it, you should just deal. I am not proud to be that person. In fact, I want to be one of the "God is good", "God is forever faithful", "He's always looking out for me" people. I would love to have that feeling of being free and hopeful and trusting and just having an easy breezy life but I feel like every time I resolve to do so, life gives be some big fat yimu like "you wish".
The biggest thing I struggle with is that feeling of feeling stuck. Based on stories/tweets/what have you, it would appear that a lot of us feel that way but on the flip there just seems to be a lot more people who are also flourishing. All around me, I see people progressing in jobs, love, family, life and just doing big things and it always makes me question my standing in life. Will I ever catch up?
This is why people warn about the dangers of comparison. It can take you down a terrible wormhole. My brother tries to remind me that everyone has a different path and things can change in a heart beat. And of course he is right. Part of my goals for next year is to find a way to make peace and celebrate the victories of others and be patient, content and be gracious with whatever the hell is going on in my own life. Afterall, in the end we all die, eh?
I am not sure if I will post by Christmas but just in case a very merry merry Christmas to you all! Hope you have a fantastic one with your loved ones and I will catch you maybe next year? haha.