So before I try to flesh out my thoughts to make sense into this blog post I feel like I have to put in a disclaimer that this is not a self deprecating or factual post but just an honest post of my thoughts.
If you are an unmarried, boyfriend-less Nigerian woman in her 20's or 30's you have to know that when one other is gathered with you the talk of marriage/men/dating will come up at some point or the other. I was talking to a guy friend of mine the other day and naturally the talk of my single-dom comes up (honestly, when people ask you that question of why you are single, how are you supposed to answer? Will you ask yourself out? Do people will boyfriends/husbands into their lives?). Anyways the convo continues and at some point I tell my friend that honestly, if I am being honest I feel like me being myself/who I am is cockblocking me from Nigerian men. He asks me to explain and I am like I really don't think I am what Nigerian men want. See let me explain, of course I don't mean all Nigerian men but I think Nigerian men like "meek" women lol. You know the ones that are ladies, don't curse, aren't dancing like crazed person on the dance floor, completely okay with serving their man etc...you know, wifely people. So my friend in question begins to protest and say it is not true and I presented him with a scenario at a recent social event we were both at. I asked him if he was considering me as wifey and he saw me then, would he still consider me and he said he wouldn't. I was like my point exactly.
Which brings me to my post title. What's a girl to do? Pretend and be what you think they want or be yourself? I have had people advise me (yes all based in nigeria) on not showing myself to a guy 100% but instead to be what they want or that places me in the best position and show your true self slowly in the hopes that by then you'll be in and it would be too late to back out. See to me that just sounds silly and sounds like a set up but you will be amazed how many people believe in that. A friend of mine said she has tried the being herself route and felt she was judged and those days are long over. She's putting her best foot forward. I dunno man, I just can't subscribe to that idea. I can see why some people would though. I mean you have men who have ideologies like there are certain sexual acts they can't do to their wives and mother of their children because it is disrespectful. It also reminded me of Obinze's wife in "Americanah". He admitted that he wasn't exactly excited by her like he was with Ifemelu but she was "a good wife" but then he loved Ifemelu because she wasn't apologetic for who she was and was herself. It's like this thing in their brain that the mother of your child can't be a fun exciting woman or a fun exciting woman is "trouble".
I did do a random poll and asked a bunch of guy friends if they'd rather a woman show herself slowly haha 100% as expected said they'd rather she's up front and it would be stupid to be deceptive. On the flip side of it all, I have heard of some people who switched it up and got the MRS degree but I don't know if they are happily married. Oh one more thing to add - I also group women into two - the simples and the complicateds. The simples have no wahala, they meet a guy he's a good guy they get along and dassit. The complicateds are usually looking for more. What that more is, its not defined but they want the clicking, the connection, is he into xyz, should be able to handle himself in social and professional settings and just a whole bunch more that just makes it complicated. Honestly, I always harp on about how there is no science to this thing because most of the stories I have heard the man met the woman and "just knew" that this was the woman they wanted to marry, without knowing all about them yet. I think having that "just knowing" feeling allows them to be up to handle whatever baggage you come with. A friend of mine said she does believe that there are people out there that can accept women like "us" but you just have to be more patient and I am going with that. Besides, if all else fails, woman shall not live by just Nigerian men alone.
Yall have anything to add on this?