Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Is it Settling?

I think everyone should have read this blog post by now and if you haven't, please take a second to read through it and then come back to see what I have to say on the topic.

I'll wait...

...Are you back? Good.

So, I read this blog post and thought about what I had just read. Not long after, a friend messaged it to me and he asked me what I thought about it, and I thought about it some more. I have said before that I totally get why people settle, but in my heart of hearts I don't know that I am one of those that can go through with settling. After reading this, I can't say this girl was wrong or she was right because all it boils down to is that we are all different individuals. Now, to be honest my first thought when I read this was this is crap BUT she *seems* to be at peace with her decision and ultimately I have always thought that that is an important factor when you walk down the aisle, to be at peace with your decision. But, there are other factors to consider.

I've seen someone close to me make this same decision and the common thing they both shared was that they both made this decision after coming out of a painful breakup/relationship(I should add that in spite of all the adoration the "tayo" in the relationship bestowed, the love never came). Most of us have been in this situation, been hurt, been in a relationship where you seem to be doing more but like everything else, we all handle stuff differently. A lot of the commenters raised valid points. They say love with your head and your heart. In this case, she is admittedly loving with just her head and listing the little things about him that she didn't care for. They usually say that, that which you found cute about your partner in the beginning is what will drive you crazy later and i think that's where the whole dizzying stars "love" help you to be blind small and she doesn't have that. I truly believe those "honeymoon" years and lovey dovey time memories help on those days when you just want to kill your partner. Her mom said when the sex starts then the love will follow. I don't know how I felt about that. If she isn't feeling any passion for him right now, does sex automatically bring the passion and love? My friend thinks that at some point she might stray. why? because she has experienced passion and excitement from someone else and if it doesn't come later, she will know what she is missing out on.

All that being said, I cannot refute something that she said which was "I am with the man God selected, handpicked for me". I am going to go ahead and assume that she received a confirmation from God and only the both of them know their relationship. I can admit that I am looking at her situation from my own point of view and my own experiences and characteristics. Some argue that this "love" and "butterflies" we make noise about is over rated and in the end being "smart" is what counts. They may be right and they may be wrong. The one thing I noticed from this post was that it didn't seem like the writer thought that she could find a good man that she could be in love with that also possessed Tayo characteristics. I may not be the fairytale kinda gal but I do believe that it's very possible. Ultimately, I wish the writer the very best and wish her happiness.

So..what do you guys think?


PS MPB reminded me of something I wanted to say that I forgot to in my haste to post. I do wonder where Tayo stands in all of this. Is he aware he is marrying someone who is not in love with him?

17 comments:

AuralAdultery said...

All it takes is for Bode to show up in one moment of ennui and screw up this whole equation (pun fully intended)!

MPB said...

Tempted not to comment since i tried to share my reaction with you on IM and got no response. But...the blogpost affected me a lot. I shared it with my boo, I posted it on fbk. Ultimately, my comments boil down to 2 points:
1) i also thought there was an air of a good man cannot be attractive. Many commenters seemed to support this ideology...with lot sof negativitiy towards attraction and butterflies fading. Very few people reiterated that one could have both especially someone purporting to have faith.

2) Few people seem concerned for Tayo, the fiancee. Is it fair to him to be in this situation? Marrying someone that seems to be tolerating him.ANyways, I hope he knows what's up and is fine with it. People talk a lot about settling like it's a matyrical/smart act. No one considers how settling can be a selfish and heartless act, unless both parties, like your friends are aware and choosing to settle. I remember my ex, who seemed like he could love me no matter what....but men I felt so guilty. I don't agree with that mentality of roping in someone that loves you more etc. My ex was a good guy who deserved someone that also loved him teh way he was willing to love me.

Jeez...this was longer than i anticipated.

miss.fab said...

I agree wholeheartedly with AuralAdultery's comment.

I'm rarely ever extreme in my views because I'm very much on the who-knows boat. If I were to predict, however, I'll say that everything she does for Tayo and her marriage to him will seem out of obligation, as if she has to constantly atone for "all that he's done" for her. She will grow to resent this and eventually him and will kill herself with guilt for craving something that he apparently can't give her. If a rather persistent man who set her tummy aflutter were to show up after her marriage, I am fairly certain she will cheat on Tayo with him (and kill herself with the guilt, of course).

I get that the man of your dreams does not necessarily need to meet 100% of your checklist, but in this case, I get a sense of resignation, which is a huge red flag. A lifelong commitment shouldn't be something you resign yourself to.

There are definitely women in arranged marriages who grew to love their husbands devotedly, so of course it's possible that my theory will remain just a theory and she'll prove me wrong. After all, I have neither been married nor in love, so what do I know, eh?

Random One said...

I read it and instantly felt sorry for Tayo...cos really where does he come in, in all of this? But then i thought about it some...It is very possible that Tayo is fully aware of the way she feels and [since he is a man of God #?] he knows this is what he is supposed to do. IF this is the case then we can only hope she ends up falling in love with him too.

So if the kpoxking with her hubby is nowhere near what she had with bode with the kpox still help her fall in love?? Oh!! lol

It's kinda confusing to claim you are at peace and then say you settled tho, isn't it? I mean if you are at peace with a decision, dosen't that mean you feel it's the right thing to do for you? If its the right thing, how are you wrong[cos settling has a negative connotation]?

Ah well, who the hell know. Maybe she loves him and just doesn't know it yet. Edumare help us all, jare.

Myne Whitman said...

Well I read the post and was moved enough to post on it on my blog. MPH and Miss.Fab have summarised my feeling. Whether they show up as butterflies or not, one needs to care more deeply for their partner than mere gratitude. And again, who says there are only two types of men? Much as I understand they're hurting, that is the mistake those on rebound make.

I know the writeup to be fiction so that's why I feel free to opinionize on it. :)

LohiO said...

I dont think she is not in love with him. I think she just redefinied what love meant to her. People think love is this grand thing that is supposed to feel funny and all of that. I am of the school of thought that love is a decision. You see someone you like, know their flaws, identify if you can be with them despite that and then decide to allow yourself be vulnerable with that person.

Love is never enough. That is what many people do not understand and the reason why I think personally there are more divorces and separations. If people remained honest with themselves from the get go, we would not be such a fickle society when it comes to marriage. Because when all that honeymoon blah blah ends. It is a good man that you will have and a friend.

Choosing what you know works for you is not settling. If this works for her, Good.


sorry for the long comment.

Anonymous said...

I don't see it lasting but I hope it does. My deepest condolences to Tayo though. To know that he is simply a last resort must be the most denigrating feeling one can ever experience.

Original Mgbeke said...

Oh hem gee. We are like blog twins right now, like so totally dooode. So, I'm sure you know where I stand on this. I wouldn't do what she did, but I don't know whether she settled sha. But...I feel like it would be easy for someone in her situation to stray. Ultimately, I totally feel you on the honeymoon years will help down the line. The first couple of years should be honeymoon-ish and giddy...not a learning experience in "let me learn to love this man".

That sex advice from her mom raised an eyebrow like ummm...okay.

LOL @ Anon and "my condolences".

Meanwoos, I just peeped Lohi's comment. I still question this "love is a decision" thing sha. Do you also decide to stop loving someone and is it that easy to do so? Hmmmm.

leggy said...

i agree with Lohi O. i too feel like love is a decision, i think you can decide to love someone. love to you might not be what love is to me, to you it might be the butterflies, to me it might be the stability, the peace of mind, the knowing that you married a good man.

LucidLilith said...

If she has not feelings for him, even some remote affection, then it is a matter of time before she meets someone else that will give her what she is missing. But look at our parents and grandparents ... most of them got married in a time when the so called "love" thing did not exist. You never know if something will grow out of the union. A woman only has to go through a few bad apples to finally see a good man even when no one else sees it.

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