The Source..

I can't believe we have come to the end of the year. The end of the year is such a mixed bag of emotions. I feel hopeful, I feel scared, I feel morbid and I feel resolved to do better with each passing year. I feel hopeful because 365 days is a lot of time for many things to happen, the unexpected good and bad. Scared because of the possible bad lurking around the corner. Morbid because each year is another age marker and one year closer to death (and I don't like this at all, it's scary) and resolved because I think about what I want to do better, how I want to be better and what I will be doing to put this in motion. My friend asked me what I would rate 2019 out of 10 and I said 7 and if you have been following me, you'll know that's a pretty damn good grade. I have had a pretty rough couple of years and I think I was pretty much just numb by the beginning of 2019. I entered into the year unemployed, squatting at a friend's place. On New Year's day, I we...

Ah. The cold is officially here. I have switched out my closet and put away my summer clothes. Wah. Can you believe we only have a month and some left of the year...actually, the decade! Man, this getting older thing is for the birds. Kinda scary actually. I just want it to slow down. Do y'all have plans for thanksgiving? I have a complicated relationship with Thanksgiving. Its always made me sad and I think it reminds me that I don't have family nearby. I have been fortunate enough to have friends and family extend invitation some years but even then I felt awkward, like I was imposing in someone else's family. I have plans this year though but most of all I am looking forward to the days off to veg out. Okay let me random. Why is it taboo to let people know what you earn? I mean I get why it is a rule by employers but even outside of the work place. Is it shame? What if you are a high earner where shame is not applicable? I mean people already kind of infer what other...

I wrote this a while back and just realized I never hit enter. I just saw it in my draft. oops. Well here's stale randoms. The weather is changing. This makes Taynement sad. I hate the cold. A lot. I get cold really easily and I feel so uncomfortable when I am cold. I hate the layering and the many clothes required and the burden of a coat. Sigh. The turn of the season means I recently had a birthday. The birthday was last week and it was a nice, quiet one. I had attended a wedding in Miami and kinda turned it to a birthday weekend trip. It was nice being at my happy place aka the beach and just chilling in the water and laying in the sun listening to music and reading pretending my problems and real life don't exist. I took the actual day off and spent it with one of my favorite people. The one thing about getting older is how you get less gifts and I love gifts :(. The work peoples were nice and decorated my desk and left treats. That being said, I am grateful to be able...

Hi My Lovelies, it has been a minute and a half and a thousand seconds. Life has gotten in the way (yup, I know gotten is not a word but I like using it). I don't think I could have ever envisioned this year. When my mom passed, a friend gave me a journal that's a 5 year journal (I have mentioned that here before) so it's just a few lines but all 5 years are on the same page, so you get to see progress or lack thereof. My years seemed to be the same and quite frankly, I was embarassed seeing the same pain points over and over. I told myself this year had to be the breakthrough year. Last year was so weird, it was consumed mostly by my unemployment (I was suddenly laid off by my company. Blindside was an understatement but it was also the best thing that has happened to me) and health issues. It was so rough and heavy is the word I'd use to describe it. I got through solely by the grace of God and my family and friends. During that time I decided I wanted to lead an in...

Sometime ago, I random'd how it is a special type of painment when you feel like you are doing due diligence and putting all the work and there is nothing to show for it. I think a different dimension to that painment is the day you discover you are just average. I was watching awards being given out at work and I suddenly realized, I am never one of those people. In my professional career, I don't think I have ever been one of the super stars. Just the diligent, well liked, get things done worker. But not the superstar. I have theories on why that might be but yea... It's a funny thing, when I was younger, I truly thought the world was my oyster. I was so tenacious. I got an internship on sheer tenacity and got hired without ever being seen in person. On a regular day, I actually do think I am exceptional. I consider myself intelligent, I know a little bit about everything and can hold conversations on a number of things. I am a curious person and try to learn anyt...

I've been a bad girl. I haven't blogged or even had a friday random in a minute. I have no good reason tbh. The days seem to be going so fast and they really are all a blur now. It's like I go to work, countdown to the end of the day and countdown to the weekend (which is terrible by the way) come home and before you know it, it's time for bed and my alarm goes off and its wash, rinse, repeat. I live for the weekends now. I am having a good summer tbh. It really is very easy to focus on the thorn(s) in your life and forget the roses. I keep getting good advice to not let the thorns take over and to take the time to smell roses but man sometimes yo, sometimes life can be a hater that be disturbing somebody but I shall continue to try. I haven't had the chance to travel as much as I usually would but I went on vacation a few weeks ago and it was a great time hanging with family and just being away from the stresses of work. I love summer yo. Just feels freeing, no...

It hasn't felt like summer because the weather has been cool and there's just been so much rain. But it felt hot today and I welcomed the sun. The days are dragging for me. It's so much effort to drag myself out of bed and when I get to work, I am just clock watching waiting to leave - riveting life, eh? Is anyone doing anything exciting for the summer? I think I am out of preamble material. Let's random. I am watching Queen Sugar and this nuisance of a Nova has written a memoir that reveals personal details about her family. She says its to free them from secrets but excuse me? It's akin to outing a person. It's not your place. I'd never write a memoir simply because it involves telling other people's stories. Come to think of it, are people required to get permission before writing memoirs? The bad part about new person caking is how much TV time it takes away. Even more annoying when you know in a few months, they'll be gone while trusty TV ...

I have spoken about this here and there in some of my randoms and it had been swirling in my head but then this just popped up on my ipad and I figured it was a sign to get my thoughts on this topic on here. It's true. Much like talking about boys/relationships, its almost guaranteed that where women are gathered there will be talk of weight or the new diet fad. We all have our body issues but I now call out my friends who are publicly self deprecating and calling out the body parts they hate. Its not kind to yourself and it makes people uncomfortable. Let it be a private journey to loving yourself. Anyways, I clicked on the link and read the article and I agree with a lot of it https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/08/opinion/sunday/women-dieting-wellness.html "I called this poisonous relationship between a body I was indoctrinated to hate and food I had been taught to fear “wellness.” This was before I could recognize wellness culture for what it was — a dangerous con that...

Life goes in ebbs and flows. I think   know I am in an ebb. Everything is just not at its best. It makes everything else just a little bit harder.Probably does not help or maybe because I am in an ebb, I chose to do some introspection. It's a weird thing when you can't tell if you are telling yourself harsh truths or being hard on yourself. Instead of a friday random I figured I'd share some musings. I wish there was a person who spoke fluent Taynement and could read my mind and know me inside out. They'd know what I needed before I myself knew and it'd come in handy on those times when I can't bring myself to ask for help when I need it. I find it very dismissive when people say "Life isn't complicated, it's just people who make things complicated". I almost always conclude that they are speaking from a place of privilege. It's unfair to make a person feel like they are whining about something - although I am a hypocrite in this rega...

Spring has sprung. Allegedly. Allergy sufferers have started their non stop complaints about allergies and we got some peek into the warmer weather. Like, I stepped out of the house without a jacket. It was glorious. Then the temperature dipped the next day. And even more the day after that. I still refused to wear a jacket. Because WTF? It's officially spring weather and it's time the universe recognizes it. In case you haven't noticed, the year is whizzing by. It's almost half way through April. Let's random. It's a tad bit unhealthy but I hate how aware of mortality I am. The constant news of deaths of people in your circle, close to your circle and outside of it, is so depressing. Not that death is a respecter of age but the fact that I have friends who are orphans is such a sobering thought. Because the truth of the matter is "we are at that age". We are more aware of it and it's around us. We all know death is inevitable but it is still a...

I am currently overwhelmed and up to my eyeballs in abuse stories. I've always been very riled up whenever I hear of injustices against people. Life is not fair I know but I don't think I will ever understand why life is cruel. But abuse is just another level of cruelty that is not leveled to people by fate but by the hands of another human. I just finished Leaving Neverland and as much as I never believed MJ ever did those things, noone watching can deny the pain of those two men especially Jimmy Safechuck. This is not including R.Kelly's documentary. I have avoided the podcast about Larry Nasser because I don't think I can take it. I am reading a book where a lady recounts her time as a counselor where she met a 13 year old who had had sex with 5 men and sucked off 10 men and currently had a 32 year old boyfriend who came by to pick her up everyday. Then the other day, a coworker from my former place of work was telling me how one of our coworkers was being beaten s...

You guys, we are about to enter the last month of Q1 2019. I don't think there is any point keeping time anymore since it has decided to do its own thing and just fly by. This winter needs to come and be going. I am tired of being cold and wearing coats. There's supposed to be snow in my neck of the woods tomorrow. Life has been good so far this year and I am really thankful to God. I know I should be embracing and enjoying it but being the person I am, I am in a heightened state of anxiety waiting for the "balancing" of things going okay at the moment. Sigh. I don't have much to random but I figured it was better for me to blog my little randoms than go ghost another week. So let's random, shall we? I hate conflict. I come off as a straight shooter but somewhere along the line, I learned about myself  that as much as I like straight forwardness, I find that I will let a lot of things slide to keep the peace and I know how that sounds but it sounds worse...

February is here. Just like that 2019 is flying by like its predecessor. I had a great January. To the point where I am wondering if I should be scared but I am also learning to live in the moment. My post today are lyrics from a song. Should be well known by now how obsessed I am with The Greatest Showman soundtrack (the movie is available on HBO on demand). It's been over a year and I am still not sick of it. I love every single song on it, some more than others. I didn't like this particular song and while it is a pseudo love song, I like the message it comes with and is in line with the life I want to live. I want to live a life that is bold and not a scared one. If you live long enough you know that life comes with a lot of downfalls. It's almost inevitable. But that shouldn't be what fuels our decisions. Any decision based on fear, almost always doesn't lead to anything good. I always add the caveat that making a bold decision, doesn't automatically le...

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! This is my first post of the year, shame on me. I know it's kind of late but I hope everyone had a great holiday. I had convinced myself - even though, I didn't have the means - that I would be in Nigeria for the holidays. So imagine my surprise when that absolutely did not happen and I found myself with no Christmas plans. It was my first Christmas since I moved to America (20 years ago), that I did not spend with family but it was still a good one. My friends are truly MVP. Wishing everyone a fantastic year ahead filled with love and laughter. Lord knows we need it in these weird times we are living in. Let's random. When you really think about it, the term almond milk is so weird. Like it is truly from a nut and yet we call it milk. Or the fact that we have creamers that say they are non dairy products.Why? As a baseline, I think parents will mess up their kids. I think the hope is to not mess them up more than the minimal threshold. S...