Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Relationships

Disclaimer: This shall be long and somewhat disjointed.

Ok, because this topic has not been discussed enough since the time of Adam, I thought I'd talk about it and just ramble my views on it. I got the inspiration last week as I was reading the latest installment of celebrity cheaters - Tiki Barber decided it was a great idea to dump/cheat his pregnant wife of how many years for a hot, blonde intern and Garcelle Beaveaus-Nilon(Fancy from Jamie Foxx show), her s.o of about 10 years I think has been cheating on her for about 5 years with a chic in Chicago. What is really hood people? I feel like now, things are gonna change. Cheating will become the norm and we'll be saying, "at least it was with just one person, not 5". Anyways, I am with my study group and suddenly the dude in my group blurts out, "Man, I shouldn't be married". He proceeds to tell us how it wasn't fireworks and violins when he got married (May of last year)He was tired of different girls and wanted to settle down, it was a long story sha. Long and short, he does subscribe to the theory that once a man is ready to settle down he will with the first person that comes along and closely fits what he is looking for. Then I come home and Taking Stage is on my tv, these two dudes broke up with their girls at homecoming, like in the middle of it. So while the girls are crying, hugging each other and consoling each other, dem dudes were backing it up on the dance floor celebrating their freedom. - They might not connect to you but for me it got my head thinking.

I won't lie I am a bit jaded about relationships. I don't think I have a damn clue about them. I love to see people in relationships and I hope for the best. But over the years, as you see seemingly good relationships fall, it's hard not to be a little pessimistic about them. Don't get me wrong there are good relationships out there, but let's be honest they are not the majority. Relationships are not easy, not in the least bit. Men, Women- two completely different species that will NEVER understand each other. People evolve, people change. I give mucho kudos to people that get married, it's a brave step. You are making a promise that you yourself don't know you can keep, you can only decide to keep your end of the bargain and hope for the best.I've seen some wedding videos, couple totally in love and I wonder where/how you lose that love? or was it not real from the beginning?

On a personal note, I've written an earlier blog post about being told to put myself out there, maybe to a certain extent they are right but nyeh. I told someone the other day that my last relationship was in 2008 and they were making noise like I said my last drink of water was in 2008. I'm not opposed to relationships, it just hasn't happened and there's no rush( I am wasting my singledom sha). Anyways, like I said before, I have no clue about relationships but there are certain things I believe in/hope to have:

I will never ever try to change a man. Hopefully he will compromise on some things and I will know what I can or can't handle.

Not comparing or molding my relationship after others. I believe everyone is different. I feel most women get into trouble when they do this, "oh he calls her 20times a day, why don't you call me", if it genuinely doesn't bother you and this person has your back when it's important what's the problem?

I hope I don't ever have to change myself for a man and whoever I'm with accepts me for who I am weird and all.

I know I had much more to say but that's all I can remember and I am getting tired of typing. I really wish I could just pour everything in my head but meh. All in all sha, even though I'm a bit jaded, I still think there are good ones out there, for those who plan on getting married or ending up in a long term relationship, I hope we
all get it right and play our own parts well too. And for those already married or in serious relationships, hope it's blessed and you guys continue to grow and learn with each other.

Two randoms:

Having history with someone is a very strong and dangerous thing. It sometimes clouds your judgement and is the reason why some people just stick it out in a relationship they know is dead.

People say relationships are not easy and sometimes people say it shouldn't be hard. What you say?

Ok well have a good week and thanks for listening to my disjointed rambles.

13 comments:

Lise said...

Gr8 post & timely. I think all the cheating issues
r just the start of society looking at rships in
depth. We r all different & yet most of us were
not taught how to relate in healthy ways.
I think we will see more info & discussion
as time goes on. As someone who has exp-
erienced being cheated on, you realise this
issue is multilayered & causes more pain
than u could ever imagine but much healing
can come from this. I could talk about this
topic for ever, much to say! Lise x

Ms.O said...

All the cheating is becoming a little bit bothersome to someone like me who just like you is already a bit jaded about relationships. I could go on and on..but i'll just pass. Good post babes.

Fabulo-la said...

Relationships should be hard ke?
Ofcourse they are not easy, but they should be hard ke?
Having history is very dangerous. exactly the reason i dont think being friends with an ex can work. Waaaay too much going on there.

Kash said...

Great post! I feel the same way actually! I haven't been in a serious relationship in a ridiculously long time (if they said 08 was long, idk what ppl would say about my date lol). I just have a lot of fears I guess about relationships and especially now with this cheating trend..i'm just good chilling in my single life. Plus, I've been single for so long, I'm not even sure I know how to be in a relationship again sef. lol *sigh* Loved this post tho...could relate on a lot of levels! (sorry i just wrote a whole book on ur comments section...oops)

Good Naija Girl said...

Oh man. I just blogged about infidelity...I guess it's rampant!

As cliché as it is, I think communication really is key. Sometimes a couple can live together and do things together without really connecting on a deeper level, and it's important not to run the relationship on long stretches of autopilot.

There's a lot of true talk in this entry...I agree that each couple has to define their own relationship and hold it to their own standards rather than comparing.

To answer your last question, I don't think any relationship can be effortless the whole way. I am always suspicious of relationships where the couple says they have never disagreed with one another. Maybe it's just me but the closer I am to someone (not just romantically), the more likely that we will air our true feelings and risk disagreeing with one another knowing that it won't mark the end of our relationship.

F said...

I think relationships definitely aren't easy cos compromise never is... BUT... There are some parts of it that should come naturally. The desire to stay should ne completely free-flowing; maybe the course if the relationship itself might be annoying cos the guy won't put the damn toilet seat down but the idea that women have to work to keep the man is bullshit. If the guy want waka, e go waka. Full stop. Same goes vice versa, by the way...

I know what you mean about being jaded men... It all seems overrated... There really is too mcuh to say sha... LOL. Which kind topic you bring come today? You want make we sleep here? :P

Myne Whitman said...

If there are two things I have learnt, you've written them below.

"I will never ever try to change a man. Hopefully he will compromise on some things and I will know what I can or can't handle.

Not comparing or molding my relationship after others. I believe everyone is different."

Anonymous said...

Nice Anon: The whole relationship thing is confusing to me. Either one of two things

A) I am don't understand what LOVE really means OR
B) A lot of people in this world have no CLUE what it means to love truly.

The things I've seen out there is very pathetic!

A man once said " What is wrong with the institution of marriage is that men aren't monogamous and will never be"

Makes you think doesn't it? Especially with so many men out there that cheat!

Anonymous said...

The "quality" of many relationships around these days is pathetic at best. Most married couples are simply just co-habiting.

The issue of infidelity is as a result of a wider issue - the reverential view of sex is almost non-existent nowadays, and although this works out great for singletons, it backfires in marriage. People form a polygamist view of sex that a 2 minute wedding vow just cannot contain.

Coupled with the above, these days, it seems that men have very little respect for women. I cannot dare to even consider that there was actually a time when men could not curse in front of a "lady".
Respect is not a given, it is earned, so I guess women too ought to give account of their role in this.

I could go on, but meh.. :)

LucidLilith said...

Relationships are tough, i kid you not. The art of communication and compromise is the only way to get through the tough times.

neefemi said...

Somehow i missed this on Tuesday... i really try not to think about the fact that this things happen rampantly in hollywood...i really don't think its a reflection of what goes on in the real world...i think they take certain liberties because they are popular and just the nature of their work gives them the opportunity to do so...e.g truck drivers(fact is that they have more sexual diseases rate among them) the theory being that in the many states they go to, they sleep with at least one girl....with that said cheating is something we have seen like you said since Adam, i think we all have to pray for our spouses even if you don't have one pray for God to bring the one for you that won't cheat and that circumstances wont make you/him have a reason to cheat.....
regarding relationship, please take your time, there is no rush....i think it should be easy and natural, there will be fights and hard times, but i think if it started easy so you can build on the love you feel then you have the strength to deal with the hard times... like i told BB, the fights shouldn't start till the kids, i believe that...everything else should be petty arguments....with that said in relationships my thing is i know what i want, what i will not accept ever and what i can compromise on....i think having those principles help....love is more than just a feeling, it should be a decision...


whew that was mad long, hope it made sense

MPB said...

Goodness, you should make a part 2 of the post, it was really interesting. I think the irony of relationships to me is how much we crave them but how little we understand them. I agree that one should not try to change anyone and one should not compare one's relationships to others, seems easier said than done though from what I see around. As for the whole cheating phenomena....I grit my teeth. I refuse to imagine a world where it is the norm.

Original Mgbeke said...

Pretty interesting post.
Nna the cheating thing weak me. I'm like okay if you're going to cheat, you had better take that shit to Finland or some random ass place and hope that I never find out. The last thing that I want in this life is for anyone to make me look stupid, like 'I was with your man last night' and you're here thinking that you have the perfect marriage.
And yup, I certainly feel you on not comparing. True talk...

lol @ wasting singledom. I recently had this epiphany that I need to seize this opp and get into a major explorative phase. lol